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Lantern of the Goddess
Join Date: 26 Sep 2011
Location: On a rock by the sea
Posts: 3,217

Wow, you've hit on so many points. You describe my emotional state so well. In a nutshell, this has been my life.

So...I'll want to stick things out??

I do feel like I can sink into a depression. It happens in waves. I feel low and then I pick myself up and say, "Come on, girl, snap out of it." I'm denying my feelings. I keep them tucked away in my heart because I don't see what good they'd do to let them out. But, shit, I want to break free, move in another direction and then the fear stops me in my tracks. All the 'what ifs' play in my head...and here I am, four years later. And yes, I blame myself. Every night before I go to sleep, I review my day and these feelings, this sadness, is still there. It's as if I don't know what I'm supposed to do about them. Even if J got a job, even if life went back to 'normal' or whatever 'normal' is, a part of me doesn't care. I almost want him to get a job so that I can walk away and know he'll be okay. It's crazy. And even as I write this, I feel so guilty, because yes, I do love him. How can I throw away all the years I've spent with him, all the things we've shared and built together? You know, I'm actually disappointed that I'll want to stick things out. Why?? Isn't that stupid??

And then there's another part that can't imagine living without him. I feel selfish. I feel the fear. I worry that no one will ever know me as well as J. I worry that if I leave, it will be a huge mistake. But maybe G is just a distraction. He's a pleasant distraction...he offers some joy in an otherwise, predominantly, joyless place. And that's not entirely true, of course. It's just that...I want something 'more', something 'else'. Every day I tell myself, this is just a phase I'm going through. J tells me this is just a phase I'm going through. But of course he would say that. He's feeling the fear, too...that I'll leave...that I'll fall for G...or some other man. I don't keep anything from him. He knows how I feel but he doesn't *really* know how I feel. He thinks I really like G. This hurts him...and he says he'll change, that he'll find work...but he doesn't...and it's disheartening to have to buy his clothes, cigarettes, alcohol, books...whatever he needs or wants. I mean, it's depressing. In the beginning, I didn't make a fuss. I actually enjoyed him being at home, being around, while I was working...and then it became frustrating...especially when I suffered from anxiety and couldn't work for months. I still had to find the funds. Yes, he helped me emotionally...but gosh, I needed him to man up, you know?!

So G comes along...and I see him as a 'man'. That's what I see. I see a man, not a boy...and my head spins. I imagine what life could be like...

These changes you indicate here are expected to happen within the next five days?
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