Step Nine: 21 ways
Card: Queen of Pentacles (RWS)
As I read through this step I realized how this step is going to help introspect with certain self emotions. To be frank I had never looked at the cards from this angle, I mean going in detail with the purging of emotions...
9.1
Snapshot 1:
What are you thinking so hard about?
Whenever I see this card nowadays it reminds me how hard I am thinking about the personal crisis that I am in.
I have mentioned this before in the previous steps and mention it again how I have been staying as a forced bachelor for the last 15 months. How I have been wanting my married life to return back to normalcy but no efforts are making it happen. No matter how strongly I decide that I would get it out of my mind by diverting into other activities, I just cant help get it out of my mind. And I am forced to have these questions at the back of my mind and for which I have no answer – Where did I go wrong? When I thought everything is going so well, why this calamity? And no matter how hard I try, these questions don’t leave me. And then I just keep thinking again and again, and the unending cycle continues….!
Do you think that thinking so hard would help?
It just won’t help, I very well know that.
I know thinking is just adding to my mental tensions, but then I just cant get it out of my mind. The event that led to the present moment comes to haunt me, and I know it is going to leave a very deep scar throughout my life whether we patch up or don’t. Thinking just doesn’t help, but then if only it was easy to stop thinking, sort of like remove the CD and put in another CD when you don’t want to listen to the particular genre of music. If only I could do it.
How long do you intend to carry on like this?
My patience has been tested. I might take a defining step soon enough.
I know I have been just sitting over the matter for a long time, rather I have been forced to be very passive. Enough is enough. Being separated from my kid just because someone decides to behave as per her whims is what I can no longer tolerate. If whims have justifications, well its ok, but then whims are always baseless. I might as well take the legal route soon enough.
Overall emotion: Sadness as the moments which caused it and being punished for no fault is eating into me. Its time I did something to
stop “thinking” and rather decide on
“doing” something.
Snapshot 2:
What does the abundance strike you about?
It reminds me of the best picnic/outing I had when I was in my teens with my family.
About 12 years back I had been to the Andamans (an island) that was absolutely heaven back then. The blue waters of the seas through which you could absolutely see through, touch the fishes and the corals as you snorkel, and the other natural beauty was something that is still fresh in my mind as if it was just yesterday when I had gone to the Andamans. Never ever had I seen natural beauty at its best as I saw in Andamans back then. And this was a picnic/outing where I didn’t have to care anything about. My parents were there to take care of us – we (me and my sis) could be carefree, instead of what we have to be today. The carefree attitude seems so very lost today in this scheming world.
Do you want it back again?
I would definitely love to rewind into the past.
As much as I would want to go back into the past and be carefree as I was, I know it is absolutely impossible today. Maybe we could have an outing together again, we do have it rather whenever possible. But then those moments, are absolutely unforgettable. Moreover after the tsunami and the human safaris which are bringing the Andaman administration a bad repute, I wonder if the paradise that it was then, is still one today as well. Maybe I better stay with the memories, than have them disturbed with another visit in recent times.
Why don’t you go somewhere else and try to replicate the experience?
Easier said than done. Some memories just can’t ever be replaced.
Back then I was a teen with no fear/tensions about what and how my actions could affect the future. Considering some acquaintances we had there, we got the best of all action. Today when I decide to go on any such outing, I need to think of so many things – whats the budget, how will it affect my loan installments, can I be as free as I was back then, etc etc. The old carefree attitude has been replaced by an attitude where you have to think before you act or do or plan something. The nurturance and protection which I had back then, well today I have to nurture others, obviously unless it is an all boys trip
. But then I don’t think any outing of mine can ever replace this outing that I had long back. The 2 week excursion back then seemed so small.
Overall emotion: Nostalgia with a bit of sadness at being unable to relive that past happiness.
9.2
The card imagery is pointing to quite some actions that I need to look into. While on one hand, what I chiefly think is that the card is telling me to stop thinking. Its high time action is practiced rather than being passive. Get off your chair and do something instead of just fretting over the past. The card also tells me how I tend to keep thinking about the past (good and bad memories). Its time I thought less and just enjoyed the present however it may be (can't believe that I am giving myself such sane advice
)!!
Felt strange when I started on this step, but I loved this step for the introspection it offers..!