rachelcat
Before I start, I want to say congratulations. That is quite an accomplishment. You really should be proud (and I think you are!)coyoteblack said:I just celebrated 5 years sober last week.
Now, on to step 9:
This has been the most difficult--and most revealing--step so far. But, with Dave's encouragement from the last step, here goes!
Three open-ended questions based on meaning so far:
1. What milestones do you feel like celebrating?
2. What do you want to achieve and what discipline do you need to achieve it?
3. When have you wanted to be the center of attention or considered beautiful or pretty?
Answers and snapshots:
1. I don't really feel like celebrating anything, but I do feel like I'm at a milestone of sorts. As I mentioned in an earlier step, I keep feeling I'm in a new stage of life, the beginning of old age. I express it by saying I'm out of the householder stage. I know I'm not really. My son is 20 and a junior in college. I know I have lots of years before I can consider him on his own, but I do have more time and energy to put into myself (or something else) than when he was little, or in high school.
Other things that make this a new stage of my life are: my father passed away, and my mom is moving into a retirement village, and my sister and her husband are moving into my parents' house, and their daughter is taking over their house. Alot of moving around. My sister and her husband really ARE entering the stage I'm thinking about. Their youngest daughter is graduated from college and setting up housekeeping on her own (even if it is in the house she grew up in). And when they move, I'm sure it will be a different kind of life for them. Plus, I feel more responsible for my mom, calling her every day and stuff like that.
Snapshot: My father's funeral. Just seeing me, my brother, and my sister all older and grey-haired and our kids grown, all together in one place. That part's not really sad, though. I actually feel closer to them and to my mom.
2. I want to achieve a more spiritual life. I am always very resistant/afraid of meditation and looking within. Like doing these exercises! But if I had the discipline to do regular meditation, that would be a big step forward.
Snapshot: Way back in the 80s, I was on Tarot-L, and some folks wanted to do a study group on the Arthurian-Hallowquest book. I was too afraid to join because it had guided meditations and exercises. I didn't want to see inside myself. I'm better now, but I haven't been meditating and I haven't joined the Mindfulness Community, though I have wanted to for years (and now I have the time).
3. Well, folks. I didn't know one of the steps was "my most embarrassing moment," but -- here it is!
I was so un-self-aware when I was in my late teens, that I actually let my mom tell me I wanted to be in a beauty pageant! And I did it! The horror! What could I have been thinking? I was in the Miss Harford County pageant in 1978? (an actual part of the Miss America deal, no less).
Luckily, I can't remember much about it at all. Snapshot time: I got my eyebrows waxed for the first and last time. I can remember choosing a swimsuit, but not wearing it on stage, thank God! I remember that smiling under the hot lights made my upper lip stick to my front teeth. I sang "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow," also totally embarassingly unsophisticated.
Why does this still make me cringe (and get really testy when teased about it) to this day? I don't know. I was never embarassed about singing in choirs or silly high school musicals, and I'm still not.
I never wanted to be the most beautiful. I just wanted to sing a solo. The rest was just costume changes.
I don't know what this all really means. It's just those darn snapshots.
[I will add the next part tomorrow.]