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What can I do to make August and September less painful?
"Some American writer has said 'the snakes in this district may be divide into one species--the venomous'. The same principle applies here. Postage-Stamp-Cases may be divided into one species, the "Wonderland". Imitations of it will soon appear, no doubt: but they cannot include the two Pictorial Surprises, which are copyright."
-From Eight or Nine Wise Words About Letter Writing: 1. ON STAMP-CASES
Out of curiousity I looked up this stamp case
http://www.liveauctioneers.com/item/6883057
It contained an authentic dedication from author to another author.
The quote above speaks to authenticity, and singleness, even in a crowd of sheeple. Which I think your reading resonates with.
You are thoughtful about the future; you see how things are going to play out in your head already and you prepare yourself to face those things. "Let them come so I can get them over with," you sigh and you say to yourself.
How true, I've had my mother, 89w/advanced dementia, with me for nearly a year. It has been utterly awful, with a few bright spots thrown in that only highlight the awful. I spend most of the time furious with clenched teeth, as you can not reason with dementia. She starts before she leaves her bed, I come downstairs with belly clenched and shoulders hunched against the onslaught. Bring it on, I sigh.
You are probably accounting the painful details already--you are making a checklist in your head and anticipating everything bad that is going to pain you. All of this adds to your stress and dread, and at this point it's probably unproductive and unhealthy to be doing this.
"You are probably accounting the painful details already"
How insightful. I thought I'd trained myself out of pointless painful loops...but here I am again.
Maybe certain things are inevitable, but having a defeatist attitude will most certainly attract a defeating outcome. You tell yourself that nothing can be changed and there's nothing you can do, but internally you are likely still resisting a bit because otherwise you wouldn't be projecting so much negativity. Your state of mind and your attitude is going to affect your immediate world, and the more you think you are going to suffer, indeed the more you are going to suffer because you are expecting suffering!
I'd not like to think of myself as poor pitiful pearl the victim, but by this point it is hard not to project that which only makes the loop harder to listen to, harder to not listen. This is/was something I can do though, I've been working on getting mother into a dedicated memory care home. It's taken me 9 months of steady work (they are Expensive, and mother has nothing) but I got the move in date. September 10. I can make it.
Instead of disempowering yourself and succumbing to pessimism, think about what are some of the things that belong to you only and cannot be taken from you? This does not have to be a physical thing; it could be a belief, a hope, or a principle to stand by. What is something that makes you unique and powerful? What is something that makes you feel confident and will ground you for the days to come, despite all that is going to happen?
The life Rob and I have built together over 44+ years.
The hard work and the things we've done without in order to go into retirement without worrying about dumpster diving for food.
Pride in taking on a thankless job, twice, while dealing with cancer, twice.
Instead of focusing on your environment, focus more on yourself. Find your "copyright", protect yourself from the negative energies that are seeping in and seeking to take away your individuality. Find the thing that belongs only and solely to you for the remaining of August and upcoming September.
True. I've had to do this as self preservation. I've had to 'dumb down' my life because it is so hard to concentrate, but I've done it, and I'll have something to show for it when she is gone.
I lost 5 people I loved last August and September, I suppose time will help, but it seems like yesterday, and I miss them every day.
Thank you Kim, that first paragraph is key...stop the loop, stop that type of pain..
My question is: "How can I heal from my past relationships and move forward?"
Kim
Since your query was relationship related, I pulled a book I bought when we were visiting Dover Castle in England, Sir Cedric by Roy Gerrard.
I opened it and flipped the pages side to side to side then quick as a bunny put my finger in...eyes closed of course. Imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be the publisher info on the last page. Carpola, what can I make of that?
But...like the cards, the books never fail either.
"Conditions of Sale"
This book is sold subject to the condition that the Plates therein or any part of them, shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be made up for sale, or resold in any form other than the form which they are published."
The bolded is what speaks to me for both sections of your query.
How to heal and How to move forward.
We can't change other people but we can make ourselves stronger.
Have you been melding into something else in order to fit a relationship that doesn't fit?
Compromise is at the root of any relationship, but you have to pick your battles.
Is it worth losing/burying part of yourself? Are you rushing in where angels fear to tread?
Time will heal you, as it will me...but we have to be ready for it. Sometimes pain teaches a lesson first.
Moving forward? Reinforce who you are. Look inward and build your character, for want of a better word.
As you unfold and grow, those who would be a partner will gravitate to you. And you will see more clearly if they are worth it. Love is the hardest job any of us have, but the reward is priceless.
Best wishes, thank you for allowing me to read for you. Sharyn
