I haven't read with the Greenwood for quite a while. In fact, I find myself doing my (surprisingly regular) daily draws with a deck that's not even tarot (I'm using the Shamanic Oracle by von Rohr/Estrada). What's more, I don't even do much in terms of reading these cards myself, but I mostly just read what the companion book says about the card. It does fulfill a need for a regular spirituality-related practice, however, as tiny and "superficial" it may be.
I am also still keeping track of my dreams (which have become rather vivid recently), as far as I remember them. I haven't done much systematic dream interpretation, yet, but at the very least, I try to summarize the main theme or feeling/mood of the dream. Once again, a small and not very in-depth, but pretty regular practice.
Besides that, I'm still waiting for the final change of departments at work, so I'm still in a state of trying to do two jobs because I can't seem to get any clear statements about my responsibilities (at least not any that are valid for longer than a day or three). Which leaves me with a pretty high degree of dissatisfaction because I never feel as if I have done "enough" (at least I have stopped staying overtime, so I guess that's an improvement). I also can't help questioning the value of money vs. time, which means that I'm realizing that getting more money for my time doesn't necessarily make me any happier. While it's nice at first to be able to buy books and tarot decks and other things without having to worry about that money lacking elsewhere, it's not so nice to never getting around to actually read these books or use these decks because so much time goes into earning the money in the first place. I can't help thinking that this isn't how it should be. In all those years of having very little money, I really learned to appreciate having a lot of self-directed TIME, and that habit is hard to break (not that I'd want to break it!).
When the weekends come around, I most want to do things that are tangible. Like going outside to feel the weather and hug some big trees, or setting up the new shelves I bought so I can get more of my stuff off the floor, or painting my fingernails, or even cooking, ironing, and doing the dishes. Something with immediate, visible/touchable results.
At the same time, as I keep reading along in this thread, I realize that most of the posts leave me entirely cold, no matter how enthusiastic their writers are. I can (sort of) see the fascination and the excitement, but I don't
feel it myself. (To avoid misunderstandings: this is a message about me, not about anyone else or their IDSs. Which means, I totally I believe your enthusiasm, I just don't share it.)
So I find myself wondering once again why I'm still saying that I'm doing an IDS with the Greenwood... I mean, who am I kidding? I'm not even shuffling the deck. I'm not reading anything Greenwood-related. I'm not even reading tarot much at all these days.
Which leads me to the decision to call an early end to this last extension of my IDS. I don't feel I'm doing the idea of the IDS any justice by not doing
any sort of study and just hanging out in this thread because I like the company. It's about time to admit that I'm clearly in a different place right now and probably will be for a while. I don't think I'm done with the Greenwood. I also don't think I'm done with the idea of an IDS. I may or may not return to an IDS eventually, with or without the Greenwood. I may or may not continue to use the Greenwood for my tarot readings, and if I use it, I may or may not use it exclusively. Who knows - I may even still write a thing or two in the Greenwood study group. Or not. We'll see.
Most importantly, however, I'll go with what comes easy for now. I believe that keeping up with some sort of "spiritual regularity" is more important for me right now than any in-depth study of any particular topic is. Mi-Shell already knew this a while ago, and I think she was completely on the right track: Right now, I don't need anything else that feels like "work" and yet another duty. Instead, I need to relax, play, create stuff (or do other material things), and find something to be enthusiastic about myself. I miss that. In short: I need to have more fun, and an IDS with the Greenwood isn't what's fun to me right now.
I also need to find out what would provide me with a sense of purpose, which is the other thing my current work/life is seriously lacking. I've been without such a "project" for too long already. I miss doing things that are beneficial to others in a non-monetary way. I miss being part of a real-life team that helps making the world a better place, and I miss meeting friends offline. Which means it would also be a good idea for me to spend even less time in Internet Land, as much as I often enjoy the easy comfort of it and the company I find in places like this.
But I'm getting away from IDS-related things, so I'll stop these musings here.
I haven't done as much as I wanted in my Greenwood IDS in any way. But I still consider this IDS a success, and that includes this last part. I can obviously read with the Greenwood now, at least for others. I have discovered and rediscovered many interesting subjects during my IDS time (without the Greenwood, I may never have learned how to make a flint knife!). I have also learned a lot about what ways of studying
don't work for me (e.g. that there is a huge difference between wanting a nice big deck journal, and wanting to actually
write it), and what
doesn't interest me about tarot. Finally, I have learned once again to end things that aren't working to be able to do the things that are, without feeling like a failure.
So, would you please take me off the IDS list for now, Kat?
