When the DIFU is strong...

I am posting about this here, in Talking Tarot because it used to happen to me whenever I did readings. Now it only happens when I do face to face readings.

DIFU... the "Deep Inside **** Up." The fear of being wrong, of screwing up, of-- you get the idea. I didn't know it was called this until I mentioned it to Umbrae and he told me what it was. I just knew that before every venue I read at, I get "tested" to see how great my commitment really is.

There are 2 ways mine attacks: physically and what I will call "logistically."

The physical one is particularly strong. I get physically ill to the point I throw up. I get severe pains in my neck or back or legs to the point I can't move.

The logistic one is strong too, but doesn't hurt so I pay less attention. It's when everything goes wrong. No ink in the printer for cards or flyers. Computer keeps shutting off or won't open the files. Forgetting things. Being distracted by things I shouldn't let myself be distracted by. Carrying the baggage of my day job with me to the point I don't think I'm worthy, etc. I could go on.

I know it is DIFU and not "real" things because as soon as I say "I don't care, I'm going and reading anyway!" it all clears up. The pain vanishes. The car trouble goes away

So, when the DIFU is strong... in whatever you want to do, kick its boney a** and do what you were going to do anyway.

Sheri

The physical one is particularly strong. I get physically ill to the point I throw up. I get severe pains in my neck or back or legs to the point I can't move.

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In the entertainment field, we call that stage fright, or "a case of the nerves." ME?? I call it sweaty palms. My palms will sweat big time whenever I would sing at a gig or a concert or read face to face. My heart starts to beat fast and I start getting nervous. I LOVE IT!!!! I work off that extra adrenaline rush and have a blast. What you are doing is right. Just kick its hiney out the door and go do whatcha know ya gotta do. After awhile Sheri, you will learn to work with the energy. It's like a power surge and instead of it manefesting in computers going off, you can use it to,...........oh I don't know, rule the world???

Baroli said:

In the entertainment field, we call that stage fright, or "a case of the nerves."

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DIFU runs deeper than stage fright or nerves. DIFU is the voice in your head that whispers, "can't"; when you say to yourself, "Gosh, big presentation next Tuesday..." DIFU is the voice that says, "...sure hope I don't get sick..." which of course you do. DIFU keeps success in any field at bay because 'I might get hurt.'

DIFU loves the safe close confines of a 9-5 with retirement and medical where you don't have to think for yourself or be responsble for yourself. DIFU is the evil voice inside each of us that prevents us expanding our horizons...

I'm SO DONE with DIFU, at least this month, LOL...

I have tons and tons to post on this topic, and thank Sheri for starting the thread, and Umbrae for giving the beast a name with which to rout it from the shadows.

My issues with DIFU however have nothing to do with tarot... I will get back to you on this, after I PRACTISE (DIFU likes me to spend all day on the computer and never practise).

DIFU has been my companion for longer than I care to count.

Stage fright is one manifestation, certainly; I've posted on this problem in lots of threads over the past year. Something freezes inside when I'm faced with starting to read for someone else--well, until the person actually sits down, that is. Once I have a customer, I swallow the jitters and get down to business. But it takes me forever to "open" the table! Any excuse to put off that first customer!

9-to-5 (or 8-to-5 with an hour for lunch, which is the norm around here): yeah, there's the health insurance thing; there's no getting away from that, with a hubby with pre-existing conditions. Not that I'd mind having a lucrative sideline (like Tarot, or crafts, or entertaining, or writing...)

Yeah, I procrastinate something horrible--always have, it seems. And here I sit at the computer when I could be doing hand laundry, practicing guitar, doing a Tarot spread, cutting out a pattern, cleaning the bathroom, getting out that new yarn and starting a scarf for hubby... you get the idea.

At least I'll change the bed linens before crashing tonight! And I actually finished the income taxes tonight as well. I'm going to get offline early and do a deck interview spread, with which deck I'll decide after I get the bed done and myself ready to get into it! Nitey nite...

Sheri, I've never heard of DIFU, but what you're experiencing sounds like severe stage fright or performance anxiety. I get that sometimes with public speaking, which I do rarely for that very reason, and it's also the reason I've never even bothered to try reading for strangers face to face.

The weird thing about what I've experienced with public speaking, though, is that sometimes it's so severe it's nearly incapacitating, and other times almost nonexistent. I know it has something to do with my self-talk, and how I prepare myself mentally, as well as who I'm speaking to -- a small group of coworkers, a large group of strangers, and so forth.

It sounds like you've got it especially bad. Poor thing!

I read about something new (ETA: new to me, that is) a while back, though, and as soon as I read your post, I wondered if it might work. So I did an Internet search and sure enough people seem to have used it successfully for stage fright. You might want to check it out. It's called EFT -- Emotional Freedom Technique. I have a book on the technique, which I bought because I wondered if it might help someone I know with PTSD. It's based on the idea of acupuncture meridians or energy tapping. Below are a few links. The first is the website of the person who invented the do-it-yourself version of the technique. There's a free manual available on his site.

http://www.emofree.com/ Here's a description, on the same site, of how it was used successfully by a 7-yr-old girl for stage fright: http://www.emofree.com/Fear/stage-fright-jasmine.htm

Here are some other online articles about it:

http://www.healthandgoodness.com/Therapies/eft-tapping.html
http://www.tapintoheaven.com/2eft/efthome.shtml

Now, I haven't tried it yet, but it appears easy, harmless, side-effect free, drug free, and FREE, so it might be worth a first try. Best wishes dealing with this problem. I'm glad you shared here, because I'm not sure when I would've put this technique and this problem together in my mind otherwise, and now I'm going to try it.

The most important thing to remember about the Deep Inside Fukc Up, is that he is a BIG FAT LIAR. He really really sucks. He says the damndest things, and what's crazy is, I usually believe him!!

You just have to remember, he's a big fat liar.

For a while now he's been telling me, "you suck, you'll never make it as a singer, you're hopeless, you can't sing, and you can't do anything else either, and whatever you do try to do, you will hate, so forget trying anything new, There is also nothing you can do on your own behalf that will work, there are no options for the future at all, and by the way, don't bother trying to lose weight, or get more sleep at night, or practise, because you can't. Those things are impossible and even if you tried you'd fail, because you suck...plus nobody loves you, and don't bother trying to talk to anyone because no one wants to hear it, and you there is no one to talk to..."

Remember, this DIFU character is a LIAR. But you have to take it apart, piece by piece and address each little lie, one by one, and you have to do it over and over.

Example:

DIFU: "Nobody loves you, you have no friends, and nobody to talk to, you're totally alone and isolated..."

I believed this!!! Then I said, wait... hold on... . Wait, wait... wait.. .ARE YOU BLEEPING KIDDING ME??? I have 300 friends on facebook!! And let me look on my cell phone --- Will you have a look at all the people in my cell phone? I have the phone numbers for twelve conductors right at my finger tips!!

DIFU: "yeah, but they'll never talk to you, and if you call them, they'll hang up right away, or hate you forever".

I believed this too... but then I got mad and crazy enough that I didn't care whether I would make them mad. One day I sat down and called or emailed 15 people. I couldn't BELIEVE how nice people were. Several people had incredible helpful career options for me, auditions, and were genuinely horrified to hear how little performing I was doing, and one of them practically offered me a role on the spot (turns out I have to audition, I've been working to prepare this audition day and night for the last three weeks).

I'm sure DIFU will come back again with "Nobody loves you" and I'll believe him again, and when I do, I want you all to throw my list of phone numbers on my cell phone at my head, and say "ARE YOU BLEEPIN KIDDING ME??"

Example #2:

DIFU: Your singing sucks, because you never practise, and you can't practise because you work, and there's no point trying to practise when you get home because you're too tired, plus you have absolutely no time.

I believed this... until one day, I started to look at it, and realised... waaaait a minute, you wise guy, ARE YOU BLEEPING KIDDING ME???? No time??? I spend at least five hours a day in front of the computer!! I could use that time singing! I go into work at 12:30 and come home at 8:00 -- I could go in early in the morning, and get home at 4 or five, and practise until 9:00 pm --- which I have been doing EVER SINCE with fabulous results.

See what I mean? DIFU totally LIES!!! He makes everything seem so impossible.

So what does he really want? You have to ask... You know, I truly think he wants me to die. I think he is the voice of death. It's like -- listen to him, and I'll do nothing but sleep until I'm dead, which will be soon.

Now... with regards to stage fright.. I have tons and tons to say. It's the same, the DIFU bleepin LIES. But you have to talk him down. You have to shout at him.

...to be continued.

DIFU always makes sure you have a proper and correct...justification.

Morwenna said:

...Any excuse to put off that first customer!

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DIFU would say, "We're organizing the office.”

“We’re putting out some crystals and some decks I’ll never read with but I think it looks good. Give them a choice. Oh now where did I leave the Tarot de Marseille? Perhaps out in the car. It won’t take long…”

Nah. This ain't stagefright or nerves. I remember looking in Sheri's eyes the day of the Boeing fair. Woooeeee I just kept goin', chatted about the first sitter, what her hands were like, Sheri's got the deer in the headlites, and we talk an then she's back..."

Later we talked about it. Its really an insidious beast. And if you never correctly identify it, you can never eradicate it. But once you know its true name...

I call him my demon, but it is basically the same thing, and I've been doing battle with him for many years.... I've talked about this at great, great length with my best Aeclectic friend and I do hope she adds her thoughts to this thread, because what she has to say on this subject can be literally life saving for someone deep in the grip of this monster.

firemaiden said:

So what does he really want? You have to ask... You know, I truly think he wants me to die. I think he is the voice of death. It's like -- listen to him, and I'll do nothing but sleep until I'm dead, which will be soon.

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That's exactly what he wants. In my case, he wanted to starve me to death.

Psychoanalysis calls it "the inner sabateur". I keep mine firmly trodden on, but just recently, I call her my "evil twin", and she's been suddenly harder to crush now that she has a name. And it came to me a number of days ago: she's not my evil twin: my baby brother was born wityh somerthintg dead and shrivelled and black and mummified at the same time. She is *his* twin, who died early in the pregnancy and stayed in place, drying out instead of decomposing, therefore giving my mother no medical problems (there were no ultrasounds back then so she was undetectged until delivery).

S. always thought he was being followed around by the spirit of a "hungry" or yearning woman - now she is yearning in me. She really knows how to sabotage my life, too.