When the DIFU is strong...

Well mine tells me that I am a fraud. It tells me "who do you think you are reading other people's cards??? You don't know what you are talking about! You have no business doing that. You aren't gifted!"

Then today I got an e-mail from a person I read and she said the thing I was so sure she would get - she didn't! So my little voice which isn't so little right now is laughing at me! and telling me I am a fraud. (I am trying to figure out how to respond to her query - "what happened?"

Then yesterday at lunch with my parents, my Mom was telling her friends that what I do is just for fun and she doesn't approve of what I say to my sitters! She told them I go too far. I got annoyed and I said I tell them what I "see" and she laughed and said that I don't "see". I told her that is because you don't believe! BUT she is a hypocrite because she asked me to read for her on a health issue last week! She was quite interested in the cards!!!! I told them all and they laughed.

So my little voice has a face to go with it! and a heartbeat!

I have to read this saturday and I always start "fussing" days before having to go - I started yesterday - well why not after THAT lunch! it is all about what will they ask? What will I "see"? What if I don't "see" anything?

Then I stop the endless chatter and I tell myself - you like the venue, it is easy to get to, good inexpensive parking (for NYC, that is) , You meet nice people - you help them. But the last comment is where I get into the muddy parts - the quick sand!

UGH!

Sheri, Anna directed me here because she and I know this so bad.

I wrote an entire book about the Demon and Its Voice. I gave the Demon 13 years of my life and tried to starve myself to make It happy (and the psychological world labelled me an anorexic/bulimic but in my heart I knew it was never about food, it was the Demon I was grappling with).

I have the first chapter of the book on my blog if anyone wants to read it, where I begin to expose this Bastard and how It manipulated me for years. It is a metaphysical book and deals with this phenonmenon from that approach, so it is more about the Demon than it is about Eating Disorders. I don't want to spam up your thread by posting it all at once, but let me know if you think it would be helpful to look at.

Here is a small section from the opening chapter for now:

Alissa's book said:

"Your Demon has taught you to hate yourself, and you've become very good at that task, haven't you?

Don't pretend to be shocked. I know… it's ok. I did the same.

I was the best at hating myself. It was the only thing my Demon let me feel pride in. At my lowest, in my mid-twenties, I really excelled at the art. No one on this Earth was as Bad, or as big of a Failure, as me. I had just finished my Bachelor's degree in English, graduating cum laude. I had a beautiful new marriage to a man whom I'd loved for years, a home we had bought together and plans to start a family someday. I was a semi-professional ballet and modern dancer who prided herself in her growing art. I worked a full time job with the local library, and was considered beyond capable to the point of sheer diligence at every task given to me.

And yet….

Nothing I ever ever did was going to erase the monumental pile of crap that made up my life. But I could try to even out the scales; I could try, promised the Demon. "Here's how you can begin to make up for all the problems and trouble you are, you disgusting little pig," said my Demon in Its most loving voice.

And, the Demon handed me an identity, a behavior, a "way out" It promised. It showed me the logic of punishing myself, my mind and my body, as a way to just begin to try and make up for all the bad things I intrinsically was.

No good deed of mine would ever be good enough. No A+ was ever plussed enough; nothing I accomplished would ever ever live up to what my Demon expected of me."

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Sheri... I hope you tell the Voice to @#$k off and send it back to Hell where It belongs. I have nothing nice to say about It. If you want to talk more, you let me know.....
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editted to add: I realize now this is in Talking Tarot. I'd like to keep this on topic, so I thought to include the fact that I mention Tarot alot in the book actually. I have sections where I compare the journey I took to the Tarot cards the Tower, the Devil, and others are mentioned as well.

The Tower is the state of reforming one's identity by aligning it with the Authentic Self. The sense of ego loss, and fear, that accompanies this part of the journey is akin to the free falling victims we see in the Tower card. There is always a sense of loss, of ego death, when we undergo the Tower's affect in our lives. The behaviors I had to cease following were my identity, and to give those up was to lose my sense of who I was. This is the Tower in action.

And the Devil card is the Demon, the Voice Itself. This is a thought form which is attempting to "take over the physical vehicle" by manipulation on the energetic realms. In Its insidious attempts, It lies continually to keep us obeying. This is what firemaiden so eloquently writes on earlier. The Devil card reminds us we are giving our power to Something Else. The Devil card reminds us we are being Lied To by this Thing, whatever it is (an addiction, an eating disorder, stage fright, It changes forms as It manifests into the material realm).

The theories on thought forms are abit off topic, and there is a lot out there for anyone who wants to find out what others have described a thought form as.

But yes, there are other Tarot analogies I use in the book, because Tarot shapes a lot of the hierarchies of thought patterns I see in, that I relate to and then try to express.

Just a few more ideas I thought to add....

I don't have DIFU really, now, with Tarot...I just go forward, with an energy surge...and the will to do my best with this person who has come to me to engage in a dialogue about ...something.

Where I do have it is with fear of others f*** up...and mainly with my health.

I have to have surgery, several of them, but one hip replaced as soon after May 18th as they can schedule it...and I have been fighting the

I am going to be the 1% with the flesh-eating bacterial infection.

Blood clots, traveling ones, that go to my lungs.

I am going to get C-Diff again.

They will have to remove the hip and I will be in wheel chair for life...and, so on it goes.

That being said. I fight this inner voice. I have done everything I can to prepare...good surgeon, plans for hired nursing assistants at the hospital for a couple of days, some help at home...plans to get up and walking first day...since they want one to..and I WILL.

Reading Tarot for others, especially strangers, charges me...because I never, ever know how it is going to turn out, but I like that....it feels as though it is where I am supposed to be at that very moment.

Not all readings are dynamic...some blow me away, if not the sitter.

Maybe we all have DIFU somewhere....it wants to take over..but only if we let it. Maybe, too, if I read more often, DIFU would have a venue to appear more boldly. I'll deal with that then.

It has to be kept at bay.

terri

Sheri said:

So, when the DIFU is strong... in whatever you want to do, kick its boney a** and do what you were going to do anyway.

Sheri

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And can I say how remarkable I find it that you describe It (DIFU, Demon, Evil Twin) as boney? It robs power because It needs power, food is power. It is impoverished, and takes from us. Energetically. And for some, literally.

Alissa said:

And can I say how remarkable I find it that you describe It (DIFU, Demon, Evil Twin) as boney? It robs power because It needs power, food is power. It is impoverished, and takes from us. Energetically. And for some, literally.

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Oh this is totally true...I can feel what it does to my physically, Alissa...not a good thing.

terri

It just occured to me that we talk about this DIFU as if its separate than us and a liar... the perspective came to me that - obviously being an aspect of ourselves - that aspect needs encouragement and sometimes told to shut up and LISTEN for a change instead of talk... Its like that scared child within that will lie to protect itself... Nurturing, compassion and a clear time-out if this aspect of self wont listen!

I am reading for someone soon f2f and well... last time i read for her I had a great dealing with this DIFU in which I was manically cleaning the house prior to reading and talking to it the whole time and it was a clear argument in my head... it sucked! I would admit this is bordering psychosis!

usually i find that when I am totally nervous before a reading - I am not content after the reading either.. the readings I go into feeling carefree and confident - those readings are usually just perfect... perfect meaning, the querent walked away with a new clear perspective and I felt like I fulfilled my purpose with them.

I guess I am beginning to wonder if - my readings reflect my nervousness or confidence - or perhaps my nervousness before those readings is actually reflective of the QUERENT moreso than myself...

make sense?

Perhaps if I quit OWNING this DIFU and realize its an empathic response it won't rule my pre-readings! and therefore effect my READINGS themselves...

hummmm

My DIFU is the bane of my life. It doesn't happen much on tarot but it's certainly whispering its nasty stuff about my wedding... yuck. Glad it's not just me.

ah, well let me tell your DIFU something! I battled with mine pre-wedding too and the fact remains that it was the most amazing experience of my life, next to my daughter being born... Ceremony is powerfull! Perhaps you can offer your DIFU a 'position' at the wedding... Like silent partner style! haha

Thanks Dreamwalker, I'll keep at it. Only 6wks to go so not long, then DIFU can find something else to natter about

DreamWalker said:

It just occured to me that we talk about this DIFU as if its separate than us and a liar... the perspective came to me that - obviously being an aspect of ourselves - that aspect needs encouragement and sometimes told to shut up and LISTEN for a change instead of talk... Its like that scared child within that will lie to protect itself... Nurturing, compassion and a clear time-out if this aspect of self wont listen!

hummmm

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All I can say is for me to stay alive, I had to realize I wasn't fighting Me. My Authentic Self had been taken hostage (for lack of a better metaphor) by this Thing that ran my thoughts, and thereby controlled my actions and choices. In order to gain power over my life again, I had to first distinctly separate myself from It.

As long as I believed Its lies that I was It, I would never get better.

When this Voice was so loud in my 20s that I began crossing streets without looking for cars, half hoping I would die? I knew this was not me in control of me. But I was weak, literally. It is a difficult fight.

The DIFU and the Authentic Voice are not the same. The DIFU, as a thought form, *is* created by us though, so it is something of us. But It is not the real us.

It's a lot to try to encapsulate in a post, but I can say that my Demon has Its hole inside and I keep It locked there. I cannot be exorcised of It, I have had to learn to live with It in Its place.

Bound. And gagged. Like It held Me for so many years.