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The Astrological Soaps...humor

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AquarianGoddess's Avatar
AquarianGoddess  AquarianGoddess is offline
Join Date: 28 Oct 2001
Location: In my own space
Posts: 520
The Astrological Soaps...humor

Hi Gang,

This is a piece I wrote a few years ago and all but the Capricorn title are based on real American soap opera titles with an astrological twist.


THE BOLD AND THE BRASH (Aries) – If you’re into action, hot tempers and fleeting romances, this is the soap for you. It’s packed with car chases (red cars of course), crashes, brawls and sizzling hot romances that don’t last very long…(they need a heavy dose of Valium, don't they?)

ALL MY PASTRIES (Taurus) – We do not recommend watching this soap if you’re on a diet. The Taurus natives are shown being jubilant by insatiably indulging in all of the goodies. It’s totally disgusting. At the end is the number for Sweets-A-Holics…

THE YOUNG & THE RESTLESS MINDS (Gemini) – This soap revolves around the people of the town of Hermes, USA. They’re all Gemini’s and …you guessed it…the number of prescriptions for Prozac in this town exceeds the totality of Prozac prescriptions written for every other location in the world. Unfortunately, the medication is of no help (you may want to avoid this town in your travels…it’s too loony.)

DAYS OF OUR CHILDREN’S LIVES (Cancer) – You’ll need a big box of tissues when viewing this soap. This very somber story tells the tale of the Cancer children’s trials and tribulations, while the Cancer natives are seen in the background crying in their own home made soup (how pathetic.)

SUNSET TOPLESS BEACH (Leo) – Another appalling depiction of the conceited Leo’s doing what they do best…. SHOWING OFF…(don’t they make you sick?)

ONE LIFE TO LIVE AND COMPLAIN ABOUT (Virgo) – Here we have the whining Virgo’s’ in all of their splendid glory complaining about EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING, every minute of the day (will somebody please get them off of this planet.)

AS THE RELATIONSHIP TURNS (Libra) – Well, well, well, this romantic soap is actually quite sickening after the first few episodes. It’s the same old been there done that sort of thing that Libra’s’ live for...the ups and downs of their relationships (and who the heck cares?)

DARK SHADOWS/DEEP PSYCHOSIS (Scorpio) – This rather interesting soap is all about the very rich successful Scorpions who appear to have it all together. BUT WAIT! This is a Scorpio soap and these folks are very sneaky with deep dark secret pasts and lots of mental problems. When the Pluto transit hits, everything is uncovered and these sneaks are exposed for who they really are…(it’s a real shame, isn’t it?)

THE GUIDING LIGHT OF PHILOSOPHERS (Sagittarius) – A typical Sagg soap …the Saggies are zigzagging around trying to inflict their philosophy of life on anyone who will listen…(just tell them to go away…far away, like to Jupiter.)

SHOW ME THE MONEY (Capricorn) – The entire greedy, cheap Capricorn Brigade is convened in the town of Saturnville to create all sorts of schemes to make money (not the old fashioned way). The real absorbing part is that they don’t trust each other so there’s lots of backstabbing going on. Each is vying to be the richest on the planet and will do anything it takes, including selling their families, to attain that status (aren’t they the greatest?)

GENERAL PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL (Aquarius) – Starring all the bizarre Aquarians who need a break from a boring society. The problem arises when these kooks are released…the entire globe is at risk…(hurry, run for cover!)

ANOTHER WORLD TO ESCAPE (Pisces) – Oh yes, Pisces’ at their finest moment …attempting to escape yet another world (when will they learn?)
Top   #1
Moose's Avatar
Moose  Moose is offline
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Join Date: 05 Aug 2001
Location: Hasbrouck Hgts., NJ
Posts: 115

Now that was fun.

I wonder if it has ever been done with political offices.

Thank You again, AquarianGoddess

Top   #2
Kaz's Avatar
Kaz  Kaz is offline
Join Date: 28 Oct 2001
Location: netherlands
Posts: 2,070

lol, i liked this AG, we don't have all these soaps here, but we do get some, i regocnised them.

Top   #3
kayne's Avatar
kayne  kayne is offline
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Join Date: 27 Aug 2001
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 1,516

Well... I can't wait for Another World To Escape starts here in Australia... I think that would be a great soapie

Very Good AG
Top   #4
purplelady's Avatar
purplelady  purplelady is offline
Join Date: 06 Aug 2001
Location: east of the continental divide, USA
Posts: 1,203

How very amusing, thanx AG !
Top   #5
Kiama's Avatar
Kiama  Kiama is offline
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Join Date: 06 Aug 2001
Location: Cardiff, Wales
Posts: 6,273

ROFLMAO!!!! Thanks, AG!! Very good! I have an Aquarian and Piscean friend who I am reminded of by the soaps for them! Very apt!

Thanks for a good laugh!

Top   #6
truthsayer's Avatar
truthsayer  truthsayer is offline
Join Date: 08 Aug 2001
Location: where mists and dreams meet
Posts: 2,951

yep, "show me the money" is my capri hubby up and down. all you have to do is look at my signature line and you know i'm a pisces! i know hubby would agree w/ the description. my mother is definitely the libra. and i simply can't believe how down pat you've got my taurean mother in law.

AG, you're ability to figure us all out is rather scarey!! LOL thanks for sharing.
Top   #7
MeeWah's Avatar
MeeWah  MeeWah is offline
Fortune Teller
Join Date: 05 Aug 2001
Location: Virginia, U.S.A.
Posts: 7,028

AG: Love your versions! I do not watch soaps, but I am familiar with them. Besides your formidable astrological knowledge, you are also a very creative & clever writer! You could show those soap writers a few things!
When one of our boys was in college, he told me of the popularity of certain soaps at his college. Some students arranged their class schedules so as not to miss the episodes. They gathered in the lounge or common room to watch. I think that is cute.
Top   #8
AquarianGoddess's Avatar
AquarianGoddess  AquarianGoddess is offline
Join Date: 28 Oct 2001
Location: In my own space
Posts: 520

Hello again all,

Glad you had a laugh or two. I always hope no one gets offended because it's meant in good fun.

Moose, political offices? That could be pretty darn funny!

Kayne, I take it you're a Pisces?

MeeWah, thanks for the writing compliment. I try to make good use of my Mercury in the 5th house (creativity) and its' aspect to Jupiter (humor). When I write a humor piece, it just has to "come to me" and that's what happened when I wrote the soaps. I was reading a newspaper and it listed the weekly Soap synopsis and my brain just started thinking of all the signs and how they fit the soap titles.
Top   #9
january's Avatar
january  january is offline
Join Date: 07 Nov 2001
Location: under my skin
Posts: 272

Great job, AG!! (as always!)

I don't watch soaps, but I think all of us get the gist of them. You totally epitomized their uber-self-created melodrama in such a way that anyone can get hearty laugh!

I understand your "something just has to come in me". Myself, I make an association... and there it is! I guess I try to use that "dry Capricorn humor"! I helped a friend last month with a project for culinary school. He had to create a restaurant. I couldn't help but add a few way-out there, comic versions!

What about the astrological Academy Awards (probably very similar to the soaps!). Or Grammys? My wheels are turning...maybe we'll see a post in the future!

~ january
Top   #10



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