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advice please; protection against another's need

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MandMaud  MandMaud is offline
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MandMaud 
advice please; protection against another's need


... but not black tourmaline. That's the (only) protection stone I'm familiar with, since someone suggested it and I wore it constantly in the months before my ex moved out. I couldn't manage being around him without it. Then for about a year my teenage son was doing puberty, ADHD and post-divorce anger all at once(!) and I discovered that while I didn't have the very same experience, and didn't need it every day, I did find it much easier to keep my temper - to refrain from taking the bait and getting into a row - when I had the black tourmaline in my pocket.

However this is different. My other son has been living here since February, so it's me and both sons (now aged 15 and 22). The situation isn't suiting any of us, though the 22yo seems to be mainly comfortable with it. But he needs to be independent, and I am seeing that he needs to be forced or he'll be passive for ever. When the subject comes up, he says he agrees but can't afford to live anywhere else (he's too young for housing benefit to cover rent, and he's self-employed and not yet making enough to pay tax on). When the subject comes up and we get into the *reasons* why his brother and I need him to move out (rather than just his own needs), he doesn't understand the problem and ends up with hurt feelings. He wants to give me more money (he pays his share of the groceries) and doesn't understand that that isn't the point.

In short, I am giving more than I have to give. Meaning of myself and my energy, not materially, although there's also an impact on my time and money - but it's the energy and the self that I need back. I feel that as I did when one of them was teething or had chicken pox: completely willing to be there for them, because they needed, but at the same time, taken beyond what I had to give into giving further.

I have no problem personally with kicking my son out, and no problem with telling him home truths when he needs to hear them (with love). But genuinely there's nowhere to kick him to. He's not welcome for more than a week at his dad's and there's no financial support from that direction either. What it really needs is a sort of supported, graduated move from living at home to living somewhere else - the sort of training you do for crossing the road, lots of time giving them practice at making the decisions but still holding their hand. I was ill through his growing-up years and he missed all that learning.

Anyway - I'm waffling on here because I'm not sure what kind of "protection" I'm in need of, or whether protection is it exactly. If I waffle and describe, maybe you'll work it out. I just know black tourmaline isn't right for this, because I've tried it. Also that stone has gone AWOL, which it regularly does and turns up days/weeks later... so I know that it knows this isn't its job.

I have read that protection stones tend to be the black ones. Something tells me black isn't the thing, in this case. Sorry but my intuition isn't saying what *is* the right colour!

Grateful for any advice.
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rmcfarron  rmcfarron is offline
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Perhaps carnelian would help you?

"It is also a stone of protection in general and from anger, jealousy and fear. In addition it can help with manifestation of one's desires, and brings good luck. Carnelian can help ease or remove sorrows. It also helps stabilize energies in the home."
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MandMaud  MandMaud is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rmcfarron View Post
Perhaps carnelian would help you?

"It is also a stone of protection in general and from anger, jealousy and fear. In addition it can help with manifestation of one's desires, and brings good luck. Carnelian can help ease or remove sorrows. It also helps stabilize energies in the home."
Thank you, I'll read up on carnelian. I do have a small stone but haven't wanted to wear it since it's loose in its setting (a necklace). I have thought of it as a strength stone, for extra-busy days or when I'm overtired. I also just like it.

Would the "anger, jealousy and fear" be mine or his? I think he has all of them. (I do too (less the jealousy) but I am more emotion-aware, less emotion-controlled, than he is.)
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jolie_amethyst  jolie_amethyst is offline
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This list might help:

http://www.healingcrystals.com/Cryst...cles_8564.html

For a milder sort of overall stress protection versus black tourmaline, I find that smoky quartz is a good starting point. I like rmcfarron's suggestion of carnelian too.

Perhaps your older boy might benefit from not just transformational stones in the household, but more directly, abundance & prosperity crystals so he can get enough money to move out. Rutilated quartz might cover these areas in addition to protection and transition support. Being quartz, it provides a boost to everything else, plus it's supposed to be energizing, diminshes fear, and helps with both mental focus and decision-making. http://meanings.crystalsandjewelry.c...ilated-quartz/
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MandMaud  MandMaud is offline
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MandMaud 

Quote:
Originally Posted by jolie_amethyst View Post
This list might help:

http://www.healingcrystals.com/Cryst...cles_8564.html

For a milder sort of overall stress protection versus black tourmaline, I find that smoky quartz is a good starting point. I like rmcfarron's suggestion of carnelian too.

Perhaps your older boy might benefit from not just transformational stones in the household, but more directly, abundance & prosperity crystals so he can get enough money to move out. Rutilated quartz might cover these areas in addition to protection and transition support. Being quartz, it provides a boost to everything else, plus it's supposed to be energizing, diminshes fear, and helps with both mental focus and decision-making. http://meanings.crystalsandjewelry.c...ilated-quartz/
Thanks for that list! I know the site but had forgotten it had pages of themes as well as individual stones.
ETA: Was thinking of a different site - but you've reminded me about that one too.

I hadn't thought of focusing on prosperity. The boys wouldn't want to use crystals, as in they'd feel silly if i gave them one for a purpose, but I can "decorate" with them and can give him a bracelet or something without saying it's for anything in particular. He does like to wear a necklace or bracelet because of who gave it.

I get the various versions of quartz mixed up... I know I've never been drawn to smoky quartz for some reason, but I'll look again. And I'll have a read-up on rutilated. Maybe confidence and/or "taking action" (= getting off his butt and facing the problem ) would help too...
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jolie_amethyst  jolie_amethyst is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MandMaud View Post
Thanks for that list! I know the site but had forgotten it had pages of themes as well as individual stones.
ETA: Was thinking of a different site - but you've reminded me about that one too.

I hadn't thought of focusing on prosperity. The boys wouldn't want to use crystals, as in they'd feel silly if i gave them one for a purpose, but I can "decorate" with them and can give him a bracelet or something without saying it's for anything in particular. He does like to wear a necklace or bracelet because of who gave it.

I get the various versions of quartz mixed up... I know I've never been drawn to smoky quartz for some reason, but I'll look again. And I'll have a read-up on rutilated. Maybe confidence and/or "taking action" (= getting off his butt and facing the problem ) would help too...
There's often a lot of men's jewelry on Etsy that's made with the darker shades of smoky quartz; that seems to appeal to guys. I prefer the lighter smoky gray/taupe shade for myself, often with darker smoke shadows or phantoms in it.

But yeah, just getting them into the environment should help. Tell the stones who to work on and hopefully you'll see some changes. You could also try making a crystal grid to amplify the crystals' individual characteristics.

Non crystal thought: perhaps DO let him pay you a larger share, then take that money and set it aside into a special account to accumulate for a deposit on a rental? Sort of a forced savings for him. My grandmother did that for her three daughters.
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Padma  Padma is offline
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you might consider wearing some self-love stones, for yourself. Garnet provides protection as well as strength and self-love; rubies also do this. They needn't be expensive ones - you can buy the rough types that are not hewn into gemstones. (opaques)

My instincts tell me that chalcedony in any colour that appeals to you might help - blue is particularly strong. It is a stone of protection and gentle courage for mothers.

Black star diopside would work, too. Amber as well, as it serves as a protection and shield to one's energy.

You might give him some stones that stimulate courage and independence as well - garnet would also work for him, as would ruby. Tiger eye really leaps to mind for that purpose, as well.

Good luck!

PS you might begin helping him look for a place in line with his budget...gentle nudges can be brought about this way - "I saw this flat on Craigslist, don't you think it is in a great area? Really easy on the budget, too!" Something along that line.... or you might extol all the great times you had when you were young, and moving along into your own independence...!
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ps Hematite works well for creating invulnerability to another's demands.
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MandMaud  MandMaud is offline
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MandMaud 

Quote:
Originally Posted by jolie_amethyst View Post
There's often a lot of men's jewelry on Etsy that's made with the darker shades of smoky quartz; that seems to appeal to guys. I prefer the lighter smoky gray/taupe shade for myself, often with darker smoke shadows or phantoms in it.

But yeah, just getting them into the environment should help. Tell the stones who to work on and hopefully you'll see some changes. You could also try making a crystal grid to amplify the crystals' individual characteristics.

Non crystal thought: perhaps DO let him pay you a larger share, then take that money and set it aside into a special account to accumulate for a deposit on a rental? Sort of a forced savings for him. My grandmother did that for her three daughters.
All good ideas. Just now, looking up crystals (exploring that site you linked to, actually ), I decided to read about crystal grids, which I have never ever been drawn to before - somehow they struck me as too advanced - and then I come back here and you suggest a grid. Aha!

That savings idea is good... to be frank, if he pays a larger share it will cover what he costs on top of the extra groceries: electricity etc. I'm not quite making ends meet at the moment. When he moved in, it was temporary (weeks rather than months) and I was happy with that, and when it was months I was happy to ask a token amount rather than what he really costs, or even a third share of the total household costs, which would be another way of looking at fairness between adults. But since it's started to look like a still longer period, I'm thinking about real rent (within his means).

However, the greater cost to me is the energy one. In everyday, trivial ways he's a re-run of his dad - messy kitchen, etc etc. And something in my response which I don't quite understand. I think it's because the arc of parenting him (in me) is ready for the next stage, and he doesn't seem ready to take move on to it, or more likely is ready but not ready. He did this when learning to walk, fully able and strong enough at 10 months, but refused to let go of my hand till he was 15 months old. Sun in Cancer - crabs sidle up to change, they don't rush headlong into things!

Really I want to work on making me able to manage what he needs, rather than changing him. But *of course* without being spiritually or emotionally a doormat.
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danieljuk  danieljuk is offline
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the black stones are all good protectors because traditionally black absorbs negativity / bad spells / curses and turns them to positive. Also they are very grounding! however for something different, I do think Padma is right about the key here is self-love not protection, this is a different situation.

some suggestions from me....

rose quartz - the sorting out emotional problems of the heart and self love!

I saw on a website - Resolution of conflict: agate (between friends), aquamarine, ruby, sugilite (group), watermelon tourmaline

citrine - releases negative traits of family discords
Fuchsite - balancing the family
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