AquarianGoddess
Recently came across this piece I wrote in 1997 for my astrology newsletter. For those of you who don't know astrology, each planet and sign "rule" an area of life and that's the basis for the article.
Have you ever thought of the possibility of exchanging one of your planets for the Perfect version of that planet? In honor of the Jupiter/Uranus conjunction of 1997 (in Aquarius, the ruler of Astrology), I’ve created “The Great Planet Exchange”. Can you imagine how much better your life could be with the exchange of just one of your dysfunctional planets for the Perfect version of that planet? Think about it. Which one of your planets would you exchange?
Would it be that vicious, vile, Venus in your chart that has been responsible for your meeting every mean fe\male on the planet? The same Venus that has you being a doormat for every love interest in your life? Exchange that venomous Venus for the Perfect Venus and you won’t be lovelorn any longer. Suddenly you meet the Perfect partner and it’s candles, wine, hot tubs, romantic nights and a big, fat, diamond ring. The two of you ride off hand-in-hand to your new forever-romantic life.
How about exchanging that malicious, malevolent, Mars that’s been getting you into fights, arguments and getting on everyone’s last nerve? When you receive the Perfect Mars, no more obnoxious behavior, impulsivity, or black eyes. Instantly, you’re congenial, sensible and diplomatic at all times. As an added bonus of the Perfect Mars, your sex appeal escalates so high, it surpasses the Richter scale. Now everyone admires your endless drive, energy, enthusiasm and sexiness.
Oh those mood swings and bloated water weight gain. PMSing are you? Cry at the sight of Jello? Women hate you? Your mother hates you too? These are all symptoms of the Lunatic Moon. Now with this new technology you can exchange the Lunatic Moon for the Perfect Moon. Your cycle is now on time and free of PMS (Psycho Moon Syndrome). Your frequent crying jags have ended, never to return. No more excess fluid floating through your body and doubling the size of your feet. Your mother decided she doesn’t hate you as much as she thought (hey, you can’t have everything). Women now see you as a role model. Best of all, you no longer grow fangs during the full moon. Ain’t life grand when you have the Perfect Moon?
A sucky Saturn is one of the best planets to exchange. That unmerciful, unyeilding, jerk that’s been teaching you lessons and responsibilities since your first breathe, could be replaced with the Perfect Saturn. Just think, no more School of Hard Knocks, patience, perseverance and no more responsibilities. Now that you have the Perfect Saturn, success comes to you instantly and you’re a bigger tycoon than Bill Gates. You have the respect of everyone on the planet because you know everything there is to know. Your life is eternally free of frustration.
Mercury is one of my favorites to exchange. Did you ever think you needed a brain transplant to find mental peace? It’s not your brain; it’s your maniacal Mercury. The planet of the mind is responsible for your paranoia, low IQ and Alzheimer’s. When you exchange the dysfunctional Mercury for the Perfect Mercury, you’re in mind heaven. You are now brilliant, a best selling author and can command millions for your speaking engagements. All of your mental illnesses are gone forever and you can rid yourself of those mind-altering drugs.
If you’re contemplating exchanging your Pluto for the non-dysfunctional model, hear this….WE DON’T MESS WITH ANYBODY’S PLUTO! Got that? Besides, we heard through the planetary rumor mill that there isn’t a non-dysfunctional version of Pluto!
Have you ever thought of the possibility of exchanging one of your planets for the Perfect version of that planet? In honor of the Jupiter/Uranus conjunction of 1997 (in Aquarius, the ruler of Astrology), I’ve created “The Great Planet Exchange”. Can you imagine how much better your life could be with the exchange of just one of your dysfunctional planets for the Perfect version of that planet? Think about it. Which one of your planets would you exchange?
Would it be that vicious, vile, Venus in your chart that has been responsible for your meeting every mean fe\male on the planet? The same Venus that has you being a doormat for every love interest in your life? Exchange that venomous Venus for the Perfect Venus and you won’t be lovelorn any longer. Suddenly you meet the Perfect partner and it’s candles, wine, hot tubs, romantic nights and a big, fat, diamond ring. The two of you ride off hand-in-hand to your new forever-romantic life.
How about exchanging that malicious, malevolent, Mars that’s been getting you into fights, arguments and getting on everyone’s last nerve? When you receive the Perfect Mars, no more obnoxious behavior, impulsivity, or black eyes. Instantly, you’re congenial, sensible and diplomatic at all times. As an added bonus of the Perfect Mars, your sex appeal escalates so high, it surpasses the Richter scale. Now everyone admires your endless drive, energy, enthusiasm and sexiness.
Oh those mood swings and bloated water weight gain. PMSing are you? Cry at the sight of Jello? Women hate you? Your mother hates you too? These are all symptoms of the Lunatic Moon. Now with this new technology you can exchange the Lunatic Moon for the Perfect Moon. Your cycle is now on time and free of PMS (Psycho Moon Syndrome). Your frequent crying jags have ended, never to return. No more excess fluid floating through your body and doubling the size of your feet. Your mother decided she doesn’t hate you as much as she thought (hey, you can’t have everything). Women now see you as a role model. Best of all, you no longer grow fangs during the full moon. Ain’t life grand when you have the Perfect Moon?
A sucky Saturn is one of the best planets to exchange. That unmerciful, unyeilding, jerk that’s been teaching you lessons and responsibilities since your first breathe, could be replaced with the Perfect Saturn. Just think, no more School of Hard Knocks, patience, perseverance and no more responsibilities. Now that you have the Perfect Saturn, success comes to you instantly and you’re a bigger tycoon than Bill Gates. You have the respect of everyone on the planet because you know everything there is to know. Your life is eternally free of frustration.
Mercury is one of my favorites to exchange. Did you ever think you needed a brain transplant to find mental peace? It’s not your brain; it’s your maniacal Mercury. The planet of the mind is responsible for your paranoia, low IQ and Alzheimer’s. When you exchange the dysfunctional Mercury for the Perfect Mercury, you’re in mind heaven. You are now brilliant, a best selling author and can command millions for your speaking engagements. All of your mental illnesses are gone forever and you can rid yourself of those mind-altering drugs.
If you’re contemplating exchanging your Pluto for the non-dysfunctional model, hear this….WE DON’T MESS WITH ANYBODY’S PLUTO! Got that? Besides, we heard through the planetary rumor mill that there isn’t a non-dysfunctional version of Pluto!
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