Husband Disapproves

possum said:

I am at a loss. I really feel that I should be reading, but my husband disapproves of it calling it "EVIL". Has anyone gone through this? I end up hiding my deck, and doing readings behind his back. I hate being so secretive, but I feel this is important.

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Ahh...politics, money, and religion- the three big deal breakers in relationships.

I've always heard that it's not so much whether or not two people share the same views that determines compatibility, but how strongly each holds their own conviction, and whether or not either is willing to compromise.

Tarot is there to help you heal ;-)

so so you got confrontation cause of fixed belief about EVIL, your husband must live in fear to react like that so i suggest you go verry slowly with him.

you can help him IF you can see that he is drive by his belief system and that his belief system is part of his personalities defence system (Just to not say the big infamous word that start with E, finish with O and have the 7th letter of the alphabet between them hehe)

open the conversation with him but go slowly to let him have time to integrate this new matrix.

And by all mean see that as an opportunities that the life give you to heal your Union with your husband!!!

Counsciousness
Omeada

My husband and I are both Catholic, and he's none too sure about this Tarot thing, either.

But my response is to have a "don't ask, don't tell, don't flaunt, and don't lie" approach to it. He's aware that I read cards, and have done so since age 14. He knows that I've been paid to read at one bachelorette party, and that I have a website from which I receive the occasional paid request to do a reading. He was there, taking pictures no less, at the two charity fundraisers where I read cards, and I expect him to be on hand again in the fall when I read cards to raise money for a different charity. And he's been on hand a few times when friends have asked me for a quick reading. Even though I can see that it's not his favorite topic, hasn't voiced one word of disapproval.

Still, I do know that he's not totally at ease with the subject. So in order to respect his views, as he respects MINE and doesn't try to stop me from using cards, this is what I do in return: I don't broach the subject out of the clear blue sky. I don't read in front of him (except at said charity events and the occasions when a friend has asked for a reading and he's there with me). Actually, unless I'm doing a reading FOR another person face to face, I don't read in front of ANYONE anyway, but that's mostly because I prefer to do my reading when I'm alone and unlikely to be distracted or interrupted. So not reading in front of him is at least as much about me as it is about him.

But I don't HIDE what I'm doing or lie about it. I told him where I was going and what I was doing, when I got hired to do that party. He was well aware that I was volunteering my services for charity fundraisers, and he knows there's another event coming up in September. And when he walked in the room as I was taking a photo of a card layout, to send as an attachment with an email reading, I told him exactly why I was photographing the cards, and he didn't offer up criticism or disapproval.

The way I see it, we don't HAVE to agree on the issue, as long as we respect one another's feelings on the matter, and neither of us tries to shove our own point of view down the other person's throat.

I hope that you and your husband reach at least a truce and a mutual respect raegarding your use of the cards, if not a full agreement on the issue. Good luck.

You have to decide

Only you know your marriage, your husband, your situation, and your need to pursue Tarot well enough to decide what to do about this.

I agree with Thirteen that you shouldn't have to hide what you do. But I'm not sure this is a sign of something wrong with the marriage so much as just deeply ingrained beliefs and fears about what's evil. I had some of those fears to grapple with myself, not having been raised in a church, but having been deeply involved with one as a young adult and buying into ideas about evil that I had to do a lot of work on once I discovered Tarot and rediscovered other interests like astrology, and especially later when I explored witchcraft (which I've since left behind for the most part).

Maybe the best advice is to assess the situation. How important is your marriage to you? Are there fears involved on your part regarding his anger or past behavior or the chance of this breaking you up? (Then if it were me, I would have to look at whether I should be in this marriage at all.) How important is Tarot to you? How big is his objection to it? What are you willing to give up and what are you unwilling to risk?

Everything we do, every decision, is a compromise. Sometimes we choose what the other person wants, sometimes what we want, sometimes a combination. Only you can decide.

Maybe you just need to talk to him about it, find out how much he fears it and why. What teaching is he falling back on? When I was afraid of it I wanted to get to the bottom of my fear and understand it, because at first I didn't even know exactly where that fear was coming from and it took me a while to understand the impressions certain religious teachings and even things friends said had impacted my personal beliefs. And I wanted to pursue Tarot. If he doesn't he's not really motivated to explore those fears, so it will be harder for him. But if he knows how important it is to you, maybe that will help motivate him to want to understand his fear. (Edited to add: But you can't force anyone to face their fear if they aren't ready or willing, so you have to be patient and not try to force the issue. I've dealt with enough fears of my own to know that pressuring me about them doesn't work.)

Nevada

"He threw them away, and his mother thinks I shouldnt be reading them either."

This is what bothers me about this post. No one has the right to throw away someone else's property like that, even if it is a spouse. That was something you received from your mother and he threw them out? Whatever his personal beliefs are about evil, there's also an issue of respect that seems to be lacking here. That's a different ballgame than the 'tarot is evil' argument.

I suggest you have a heart-to-heart. Your marriage is your business but Thirteen makes some valid points. And right after that heart-to-heart, I suggest removing that third person from the midst of the problem, namely mama. It doesn't take the Tarot cards to point out a little bit of meddling going on...

Just my opinion, you understand...

calligirl said:

"He threw them away, and his mother thinks I shouldnt be reading them either."

This is what bothers me about this post. No one has the right to throw away someone else's property like that, even if it is a spouse.

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I hadn't seen that second post by possum earlier. Yes, that's a lot more serious. If he really thinks it's evil, I can see how he might do that out of a protective concern, the same kind that might lead a wife to pour out a bottle of booze that belonged to an alcoholic husband, that sort of thing. It sounds like he either has a very big fear or is controlling and interfering--or both. Then again, maybe just overly influenced by his mom?

Of course I don't know the situation, and I agree, throwing away another's property is serious. But that might be more a symptom than the central problem. It's easy to judge individual actions, but it's important to understand what's behind them too.

Possum, I think you have a difficult situation on your hands, but you're in the best position to gauge what you can do about it. My heart goes out to you. Not an easy problem at all.

Question: Does he realize that you think you have psychic abilities? If so, how accepting is he of that? I mean, is it just the cards, or the whole idea of your ability, with or without them?

I had a photography teacher in high school who was very laid back about a lot of things, but if he saw a deck of cards (playing cards) just about went ballistic. I never knew why.

Nevada

What I find most insulting about the whole situation is the idea of a husband thinking his wife is into evil. He's supposed to know you better than that . He's supposed to already have the assessment of who you are , what you're about , what kind of energy you are generating in the world . And he's supposed to tell his mother to go take a flying leap if she insinuates anything evil about you too.

(This is one of the times I feel quite blessed to be living alone , free from husbands and in laws - and God forbid even the remotest possibility of disapproving know it all zealot children. Blech. )

It's going to take a whole lot of strength to deal with this can of worms.

possum said:

I am at a loss. I really feel that I should be reading, but my husband disapproves of it calling it "EVIL". Has anyone gone through this? I end up hiding my deck, and doing readings behind his back. I hate being so secretive, but I feel this is important.

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Oh yes! Well we're not actually married, but have been living together for 16 years.

And yes when I started Tarot that was pretty well the reaction I got too. BTW, if you feel you should be reading then you should. Your intuition is telling you it's part of your life path, and Tarot is all about your intuition. And yes I can see that it is important to you.

I never hid them, but it started as a big fight. He insulted the heck out of my cards (still calls them that Tarot crap when he speaks of them), told me he thought I was pretty dumb to want to get involved with that....

I didn't back down, but I said to him: "Listen, a relationship needs to be based on mutual respect. This is something that is important to me and a big part of my life path. If you can't show any respect for Tarot then you are disrespecting me. " It went on for a while, but we made a compromise in the end. I do my readings when I need to, he knows I do and accepts it. My table where I do my readings is in the bedroom, so he just stays out of my way in the living room and watches TV when I read.

In the end we agreed that if he can't say anthing nice about it (something that means that much to me) then he should not say anything at all.

So I do my thing and we just don't talk about it ever now. That was our compromise.

For me I don't think it's fair that you should have to hide something that important to you from the man who is supposed to be there to share your life with you. It's seems like a big part of who you are too, and a husband ought to be able to accept us for all that we are. I hope he comes around.

As for if it is a sign of something wrong in the marriage, maybe not, maybe just an isolated incident. But in my case it was. It was the tip of the iceberg. He doesn't have much of a spiritual side and mine is very important to me. He does put that down in me, and it's a sign of a basic incompatibility in what we have. Now, I'm not saying that is your case, but in mine it is.

I have recently met someone so much more compatible with my needs I have begun really thinking what I am doing with the person I am with.



Babs

In reading this thread it seems that most folks here are of like mind ... that if tarot reading or even having a deck is something that half of a couple wants to do, then it's bad for the other partner to want to block or prevent that.

I'm not saying that's a right or a wrong position.

But ... what if this is an absolute deal-breaker that will disrupt an otherwise stable relationship?

What if there is no acceptable middle ground?

What if the sex roles were reversed? Wife doesn't want husband to read tarot or dabble in the occult or consort with the Devil? What if the situation involved a same sex couple? What if the item under dispute was a book by Ann Coulter? What about porn?

Would anyone's opinions change?

Clearly we're all here because of a fascination with tarot. We are predisposed to be accepting of having decks around the house, and using them for a variety of purposes. I've never really seen numbers on this, but I doubt that we represent any kind of majority.

(It's late, I'm stressed by other stuff going on in my life, but "do it anyway" doesn't seem to be a reasonable answer for the original poster's situation, and I'm just looking for some perspective.)

Milfoil said:

I don't think its as simple as he believes you or not - his belief may be grounded on what he considers to be justified reason for protecting his wife which is why I think you have to sit down and discuss this from both sides. Justifiying ones use of Tarot is just the same as saying I'm going to do it anyway!

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She can certainly try to justify the tarot if she feels that will work. But my issue was not with her husband's fear for her. If he was afraid for her, he might have said, "This really bothers me, I'd like to talk about it. I love you and I'm worried for your soul."

He didn't. He tossed out her cards. And now she'd using the cards in secret, afraid to let him know. If she felt she could just talk to him about it...why is she sneaking around? I may be wrong, but I'm guessing that she's already tried it with not-so-positive results. OR that she finds it hard to win discussions with him. That, similar to Marion, this husband is aggressive in his attacks when she tries to explain or defend herself.

That might not be the case, and I'm sure Possum will correct me if this image I have of her husband is all wrong. And if I am wrong, I apologize for the tact I suggested and recommend a more moderate discussion of Christianity and cards. As seen in this thread, there are plenty of spouses who don't approve of their husbands/wives doing tarot, but learn to live with it.

But I don't think the husband threw out the cards in any of those relationships.

Ooooh, marriage councilors, ultimatums!

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No ultimatums. Please don't put words in my mouth, especially if you plan on mocking them. I'm not telling her to say, "go to counciling or I leave." I had and do have a great relationship with my husband--we went to counciling at one point. *shug* Sometimes couples need it because they can't communicate as well as they should, and the councilor teaches them how to do that.

It's recommended by Christian ministers all the time for couples BEFORE they marry. So why is this so absurd--or an ultimatum? If the wife feels she has to sneak around to be herself and the husband feels he has to toss cards out rather than discuss his fears with his wife, wouldn't that suggest problems with communicating? The only ultimatum here is for the husband to want to talk about it--not toss out her cards--and to trust her over his mother.

If her husband says, "I love you back. I do trust you. But this bothers me. Let's talk." Then it's all good. It's just him saying, "I don't trust you, this is evil and I won't let those cards in my house." That's when you need to see someone--with or without him.

when fear of something as fundamental as 'Evil' or 'The Devil' comes into play, some re-education has to form part of the discussion.

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Granted--which is all the more reason to get a mediator of some sort involved. I could be wrong--but it sounds like the husband has already gotten his mother involved in this (or she's involved and the husband doesn't object)--so who's in Possum's corner?

This is why I recommend a councilor. Someone who can mediate but has no bias (like the mom) toward one side or ther other. Someone who can guide the re-education. If there's no one there to help Possum, then she's all on her own in trying to re-educate the husband. And CLEARLY he's already suspicious and distrustful of her beliefs.

I think it would take a great deal of pressure off her if someone was in her corner, assuring her that she's not crazy, helping her to communicate better with her husband, and making sure that he's hearing her, rather than drowning her out because he's sure that anything she says on the subject is just more proof that her soul is in danger.