then write, my friend... just write...
When I first started drawing images that plagued my mind's eye, it was a form of purging. My skills are not fantastic; even now, I would not consider them anywhere near what I hope them to be. Not to sound ungrateful but I know that my growth will end when I feel I am good enough... stagnation kills creation as surely as the ego hanging on to a lie to prop itself up.
Back then, I did not care if the images turned out well; I knew they didn't but I knew also that to improve, I had to continue honing that skill. With each piece, there may be improvement; there may not... but the journey has to be made if only to know the answer at the end of the creative process. I saw some changes and still do; picked up some tricks through mistakes because it is through those mistakes that I learned what not to do; how to improvise, when to stop but I stuck to the same style like a person who sweeps the same place over and over; just to do it better the next time round.
I've always been drawn to the darker aspects of the self; not because I seek it but because I do not wish to fear it... And it is my fear that tells me not to break those limitations; to stay within the safe zone; to be oblivious; to stay blissfully ignorant.
One of the cards that brings on "fear" in all its myriad forms both glorious and horrific is The Death card. "Fear is a nameless terror", a friend to me once... and I thought upon it; and decided I will name my fears and went looking for them so I know their names.
Death in The Diary was a card I drew when a friend of mine was killed; moments after I escaped it in the form of an accident. It troubled me greatly for many days; mortality is frightening especially when its too close for comfort. When you can feel its icy touch at the back of your neck like a lover's kiss; when it whispers so softly.. you wonder if it was really there at all.
But it was there all along; in the endings that we experience everyday. The end of a bus-ride; the last day at a job we've had for how many years; the end of a marriage or when we say farewell to someone leaving for good; when the swallow leaves its nest to spread its wings for the very first time; when withered flowers bow to the sun and their petals touch the ground; all things around us are dead or dying yet with every rise of the sun; with every breath we take... new life also springs forth; a new day begins. The cycle renews itself; with or without our approval. Moments; all frozen in a time capsule that pours itself back out to the universe.
In a blog abandoned long ago, I wrote this piece for The Death card in The Diary deck. Ramblings that I cannot silence in my head. Sometimes I pay attention and write them down; most times they are gone as quickly as they come; like the notes that float upwards when The Prophet of Arts plucks at the string...
I wish to pose a question, traveller... Why do we pretend that Death in these cards do not mean Death in its literal sense when that is exactly what it means? Could it be that we fear the physical aspect of Death thus; we tip toe around the truth hoping to soften the edge off it?
Death comes to us all; it does not discriminate nor does it negotiate terms. Death on the physical aspect is but a facet of an ageless concept. It is a companion walking alongside us waiting to take us to another place; Death is not personal but grief, loss, sorrow, helplessness... these are personally felt when Death claims one of our own.
Yet in every moment of our lives; we are well acquainted with Death. In both the mundane and significant, there has to be a beginning and an end that leads to another cycle of creation and birth. It is in that ending that Death awaits; for without it there is no transition. All things that perish will one day meet Death; all things that end will meet new beginnings. It is but a bend in the road; not the end of the road.
Perhaps its because my soul and personality cards are The Emperor and Death; that I find myself drawn to it. I really don't know. Stories related to Death from different cultures, scriptures, fairy-tales, myths, legends, etc... they all hold different perspectives that can enrich our understanding of it; not entirely perhaps... but understand it better.
Ash
Elven, glad to have you aboard my rickety old boat 
.. hang on tight and enjoy the ride... 
