FIREMAIDEN
Alright that does it. You two knock it off. Pigmy Pony, take that chicken comb off your head and stop crowing, Oh my god, Morty, stop with the clippety-clop and the sidekick puns already, and get on with the reading, or I’ll call your mother, and tell her what becomes of an inner tube and a cowboy after they’ve come to the end of their useful life.
”PIGMY”
mm mm strmkm!
”MORTY”
Mistress the pony seems to be on strike… or was it myself? Okay, Pigmy where were we?
THE REAL MORTY
We were in Papa Toad’s Garden.
THE REAL PIGMY PONY
Actually, we are in a garden. Take a look at that Heart card, which is the first card and is the theme for the whole reading. I’d like to know who lines up the cards, because the last reading was about a journey in search of spiritual home and the first card was ‘SHIP’ and this is a reading about love and we got the HEART for card number one. Okay, I’m new to these cards but it is not just any old love in this card, it’s the Garden of Eden.
THE REAL MORTY
Before the Fall or After the Fall?
THE REAL PIGMY PONY
Before the fall, Eve still has her apple…or was it a cherry?
THE REAL MORTY
With the Lenormand deck we study card combinations and linguistic constructs’, Piggie, it’s not about falling into the pictures.
THE REAL PIG -ME PONY
You start calling me “Piggie Pony” and I’ll erase you. Anyhow, it’s a garden with a lamb, a lion, a couple of green pears, a squirrel a flamingo, a turtle, an ape, a parrot, and there’s even a rubber rooster – this one’s blue…
MORTY:
Well I’ll be danged…
PIGMY PONY
Of course it could be a peacock…
MORTY
No no, it’s a rooster alright, a true blue rubber rooster. Apparently in paradise, chickens are blue. But I’m sorry, pig--uh …pigmy, there’s a deer, but there’s no pony.
PIGMY
There was before, but he got erased. It’s Paradise Garden, Mortsky, Adam and Eve are there with their strategically placed foliage, I can even see the apple, if I squint. I would say the joint looks like a barrel-o-monkeys, except large rodent is coming up behind the lion to sniff his bum.
MORTY
Uh oh… the Happy Squirrel…
PIGMY
The lamb has this startled look on his face, like “ oh my, we don’t do that sort of thing here”, probably bracing for a showdown, because the lion just raised his head. Yikes. We don’t know whether the rodent will actually bite the lion’s bum or just sniff it, but all eyes seem to be focused on the felon squirrel -- see the turtle, the blue chicken, and the ape are all looking at the event about to unfold in front of their eyes. Will there be a truce? It sort of reminds me of the middle East. Everyone watching everyone to see who’s going to bite whom first. Hmmm. Here’s what stumps me though, Mortsky - What do you make of the giant heart roasting in the sky?
MORTY
You know I think that’s a metaphor for radiant love, and a comparison between love and the sun, or the sun God.
PIGMY
Too bad. I was thinking more in terms of barbecue. Something roasting in the garden.
MORTY
It’s the HEART card, Pigmy. It stands for love, it’s a symbol, bluck bluck bluuuu………………
PIGMY
Sizzling hearts. You know Morty, I get the feeling this affair was real real hot, maybe too hot to tango.
MORTY
Which affair?
PIGMY
Well one .. or the other, of the gals that got on an airplane and flew away to a foreign country. You didn’t by any chance notice the rubber boa in the apple tree. At least… I hope he’s only rubber, because he looks like he’s heading for the chicken.
MORTY
BLUCK BLUCK BLUCK okay what’s this got to do with anything
PIGMY
Well, I’m just saying all is not well in the land of Paradise. There’s this felon squirrel. We have an overly chaste little lamb who’s making moral pronouncements, a great ape mocking them all, a chicken turning blue from exposure, a snake slithering down the tree, and a heart getting fried or barbecued probably in chicken fat.
MORTY
(falls over beak-first in a theatrical swoon)
PIGMY
And of course there is the theme of the apple to take into consideration. You know what the apple represents in the modern view of things, Mortimer?
MORTY
(in a flat nasal voice)
What?
PIGMY
It’s female sexuality, Mort. See we ladies like it, we like it a lot, but we have this thing where we have to trick the guy into thinking they are the ones who like it the most. So we hold out the apple, like that, like “here boy, come and get the apple, you know you want it, you do, don’t you” … and the next thing happens is, guess what?
MORTY
(recovering)
Please don’t tell me….
PIGMY
That’s right, and then what? The girl says “how dare you, you filthy sonofawhatever” (am I being sexist?)
MORTY
I hope not.
PIGMY
Good, because I was thinking, you know even though it’s the 21st century, women still have a hard time owning that … um.. apple, and what do you bet that squirrel is going to light on out for the nearest tree as soon as the lion makes a sudden jerk of the head, or something.
MORTY
So that’s your hypothesis about why the girl left? One or the other… or both?
PIGMY
I don’t know, Mortsky, I’m just saying something was not right in paradise to begin with. Maybe the girl wanted him to take total responsibility for what was actually her own desire. She desired, and even used him, without realizing it, because she wasn’t willing to own the apple. Now see the MICE card underneath the HEART?
MORTY
Feasting on cheese… yuck.
PIGMY
It suggests the underpinnings of this Eden are a stolen romance. Getting into the larder when you’re not supposed to. – - and the mice have to eat fast, keep an ear out for the cat, they know they’re stealing, they feel guilty, so they can’t relax, in case they need to someone walks into them and they need to make like greased lightening. OH.. and count the mice – count em.
MORTY
Three.
PIGMY
Three mice, three jam jars, three barrels, three white flowers… there’s a big three thing happening here in this card - a triangle, in fact there are lots of triangles in the square of cards surrounding the heart, my friend.
MORTY
So you don’t think she found fingernails under his bead, or pornography on his hard drive? When did he have his teeth cleaned last?
PIGMY
Perhaps none of that’s important…something tells me the third party of the triangle was coming from her end.
MORTY
Ah, yes, the BOOK, the secret.
PIGMY
And remember I said the little lamb was bracing his front paws in the grass, looking at the squirrel with a sort of moral indignation? Well, now if we take a look at the BOOK card, who do we see sitting on top of the book?
MORTY
Aha… a ram. Interesting point.
PIGMY
The BOOK card shows a ram sitting on top of a book, and there are two candles. The picture forms another triangle, it makes me thing – perhaps it is the very person who is expressing moral indignation who is the keeper of a secret.
MORTY
But why do you think the lady herself was the one with the secret.
PIGMY
Well, easy, Mortsky, have a look at what card dominates the LADY card in this spread.
MORTY
Like duhhhhhhhh, it’s the SNAKE
PIGMY
Yes indeed, friend Morty, sir, it’s our friend from the Garden…preciously guarding a golden egg. (You don’t think she was preggers?)
MORTY
Whatever… they’re just cards, okay, aren’t you going a little off the …..… ……… ……… ..
PIGMY
But look, neither the child card nor the ring card fall on the lady’s lines – probably marriage and children were not on her path – But look at the fourth card in the square – next to MICE and under BOOK, the PATHS card you were talking about – the lady in this card is reading a book. She heads down a path, pursuing a beautiful blue bird, - he is leading her to a fork in the road, the direction of the roads lead where? But to the STORK who flies away. (Say, Morty, is this the famous blue chicken ! Someone else she met in paradise?)
MORTY
A blue bird is a symbol for the soul, a metaphor…
PIGMY
Ah.. well she had to follow her soul’s destiny, and her ******* I guess didn’t lay on the same **** as his, however their paths did briefly ********* and they may intersect again.
In our spread, the man’s *** woman’s paths intersect at seven points in the spread. They do intersect in one place in the spread that represents the lady’s future – on the Clover.
MORTY
I wouldn’t take it literally, ****. Perhaps it doesn’t mean that he will find this particular fly-away girlfriend again, but that he will find happiness, in the form of a dancing clover lady who knows how to jitterbug.
PIGMY
Jitterbug? Where’d you *** that from?
MORTY
Oh.. never mind.
(sings… sort of)
“
Ladybug ladybug fly away home…Look at this row to the right of the man”