too close or too naive---losing faith here

hi!!

if anyone's seen previous posts of mine on this thread, then you know i have a little issues. by issues i mean depression, anxiety and recently diagnosed OCD. i know we talk about this a lot, about how our emotions have an impact whatsoever on the cards. the responses are many but it's either 'the cards are just cards, what happens is that you read them wrong when you're in a bad state' or 'yes, we can subconsciously pull the cards we fear or have said fears reflected back at us because that's what's happening at the moment of the reading'.

i agree with them both, actually, much more with the second option because it's happened too many times to me to be a coincidence. i do a reading, think about what i //don't// want to see and pull that exact card or have all my fears just punch me in the face by the cards.

but, like i said, it's happened a lot and now i have no idea if i can trust my own readings. sometimes i get everything right. but most times everything is so wrong, so out of place. sometimes (and this is an example) i ask if a certain someone will answer my message, and sometimes i get no after no only to have that someone answer me. sometimes i get a yes right away and it happens the way the spread showed me. very rarely i get a no that actually means no. sometimes i get a no, they won't answer me during the day or right now, it'll take a little while and so.

when it comes to other things or other people, i can see things very clearly. i thought i was a little rusty but i read for my mother the other day and i was spot on! read for a friend, turned out great. but i can't read for myself. i know, i know, this is no big news here. but it's just...i'm never right about anything when i read for myself, except petty things like 'will they answer me?' and even then i mess up. i don't know, i think i'm coming on too strong, too charged, but then again today i read about something and i was really emotional and i managed to get everything right, or at least the gist of it. the reading made sense.

so i don't know. i'm usually very wrong when i do readings about my love life and i ask about him, you know. when other people do it for me, i can see clearly how he feels. things are good! and these good things actually happen!!! yay and all that!!

when i read about it myself---i get so scared. but i mean, really really really scared. i shuffle the cards thinking that no, it can't be right, he can't be in love with me, oh i know what's going to come up, i know all the cards that are going to come up and surprise, there they are in the spread. i can never do a reading about him with a clear mind, i can never interpret things right, i can't even breathe when i'm doing a reading about him. i actually noticed that i hold my breath when drawing the cards on a question about him.

and the problem is: i have ocd. put that with my anxiety and you get a constant need for reassurence. so if i have a lovely reading done by a friend or even my mom, i don't let it slide. because i need to be sure. so i read for myself and that's a disaster and i'm left not knowing what to believe.

i'm either too close (well i am, i know) or too naive and unprofessional to keepa clear and steady mind while reading about him myself. i don't want to pull away from the cards, even though i know it'd be good for me and my ocd. i've created a sort of ritual with the cards that just fuels all the wrong things.

if anyone's been through something at least a little bit familiar, please, please, a little advice?? what should i do?

sometimes i cleanse the cards, and that gives me a false sense of 'oh, now everything's fresh and clean', and i try to meditate, but ironically enough that makes it worse. i meditate and i think 'now it has to work' and well, it doesn't. i don't feel grounded, i just feel like i'm a floating mess looking at pretty pictures on cards that make no sense to me when they should.

It does sound like you're getting your fears and anxieties mirrored back at you , as you suspected . You have to try to be in a neutral emotional space to read for yourself , which I know is easier said than done . Try taking a shower before you read for yourself . And when you think about the situation , visualize yourself in the third person as if you really were just someone getting a reading . When you ask your question , frame it as if you were asking about someone else - use your first and last name as if you were asking about a different person .

Cleansing your cards isn't going to help, because the cards are not the problem. And some people's minds aren't wired for meditation--mine isn't!

There's really only one thing to do here, like it or not. Stop reading for yourself (and by extension, your boyfriend, or anyone else in whom you have a vested emotional stake). Period.

Those of us diagnosed with depression and anxiety need to learn to eliminate triggers for these issues whenever we can, if we want to be healthy. The very fact that you can read for others & believe it, yet you doubt not only your own personal readings, but readings that others do for you--that screams of a very unhealthy triggering issue to me. Put the cards away for a week, then bring them back out and read ONLY for other people for a few weeks, or longer.

If you can do this successfully, you've simply developed a bad habit around reading for yourself, and with practice, you may eventually be able to detach yourself from what you're seeing enough to be objective about doing your own readings.

If you find you can't discipline yourself enough to either put the cards away entirely for a time or to read only for others, not yourself, then you have likely triggered a compulsive behavior. If that's the case, I'd suggest that you find someone trustworthy who can keep your cards for you while you get professional help for your condition. Some things, we just can't do alone, and it takes courage to admit that.

Yes, I've done this myself, after giving myself panic attacks over my personal readings. I no longer read for myself predictively, nor on very sensitive issues because I know they can trigger emotional over-reactions. And since I've made these areas of my life off limits for Tarot, I no longer feel compelled to do reading after reading. I can still read objectively for myself on many other things, so long as I stay away from predictive spreads and potentially stressful or depressing issues--such as my husband's terminal cancer. My therapist is aware of how I use my cards and has no problem with it...so long as I continue to avoid subjects that trigger that compulsive sensation. Now if I even start to feel anxiety over reading, it's like seeing a traffic cop while speeding; it's a very clear sign that I need to change my behavior, or I will find myself in trouble. No excuses! It's a signal that it's time for me to quit reading on that topic immediately--even if I'm partway through drawing cards. No exceptions, because exceptions lead right back to compulsive, anxiety inducing behavior. (I have very mild OCD--treatment for more severe cases will vary.) I really had to retrain myself for a while to get this far, and it still takes a disciplined effort sometimes.

But even without the compulsive behavior, some people simply never get to the point where they can accurately read for themselves at all, and you may be one of them. There's nothing wrong with that whatsoever...recognizing your limits is a sign of mental health and emotional maturity.

Wishing you peace on your journey!
~jolie

well questions like "will they answer me?" is not specifically up to you to choose, it's up to them to decide. So it doesn't have anything to do with your personal choices, and it has nothing to do with how "wrong" you were about the choice. It's their will, not yours!

Your compulsive behavior, is because you need reassurance. When you see something bad, you just want to keep going at it till you see something good. You want something to outwardly tell you that everything will be alright. But this constant need for reassurance puts you in a state of fear all the time. But basically, it stems from just wanting to feel comfortable and happy with yourself. So why not just feel happy and comfortable with yourself already?

When you don't feel good about yourself, or have trust within yourself, you can't sit still, and you'll fidget, because you can't stand seeing yourself. But that's no way to live! You'll have to see yourself for the rest of your life, for better or for worse. You are who you are, and you are unique and special. No one can replace you.

With tarot cards, you can't force them or will them the way you want them to. If you see something bad, just be reassured that it's just how things are right now and gladly accept it. Then find ways to better it, maybe use advice cards. If the advice itself seems a bit gloomy, then it just tells you to go with it, because there's some important realization in it that you need to learn from it.

I think it'll be good for you to pull away from tarot cards. It's good to just feel comfortable with yourself first and who you are as an individual. I don't think you are a bad reader that is too naive or too unprofessional. You're just a person who feels nervous and uneasy easily, and this could be about any subject, not just with tarot cards. So you could be a great reader, but just getting over a hurdle in your life.

Mostly what meditation does is that it relaxes you, but if that doesn't work for you, then you could just try listening to music, or just think of things that relaxes and makes you feel comfortable, like scenery and animals, or make some artwork. Maybe instead of trying to use the cards, draw them

Thanks for sharing.

I'm wondering if perhaps putting the cards away for a while
And getting stuck into some tarot study? This might eliviate the rituals and anxiety around reading for yourself?

I'm not sure about your already existing knowledge of the tarot but, I'm constantly finding different perspectives from other people, googling, discussions on the forum and feedback. Having that in depth knowledge, gives you that little bit extra 'edge' so you can have confidence when drawing cards.

It might be that you focus your attention on a few cards per week, collecting information and writing it down... Or drawing 3 cards in the morning for your day, then reflecting on how the cards link to your day during the evening...

As for the grounded feeling, have you tried some mindfulness tequniques?
Or guided meditations on YouTube. Just a few suggestions you can try...

Cheers
SB

I also have a problem reading for myself, I tend to be positive and think everything will come up roses all the time..
So my reading for myself show this....just not good at reading for myself, but pretty accurate for others.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Take care of your self medically as a priority. and like others have suggested, perhaps put the cards away for a bit. you need to distract your mind and take it to a place that makes you feel better. After all , as tarot readers we recommend people don't over read on issues or get a reading when they are distressed.. why can't we follow our own advice ?

This has happened to me. If I am in an absolute panic and I draw cards.. they are rarely objective in my interpretation and I do believe the they are picking up the craziness I am feeling. I actually took to yoga a few years ago and I have found that it really takes my brain to a good place. I don't oam and I don't chant, I just do the excersie and the stretching and it makes me focus on my body and so my mind frees itself. Its just what works for me.

Nothing but good wishes to you

first of all, i'm sorry that you're having a hard time ~
so, as i was reading your post, a couple of things that you said popped out at me:

skinviolet said:

sometimes (and this is an example) i ask if a certain someone will answer my message, and sometimes i get no after no only to have that someone answer me. sometimes i get a yes right away and it happens the way the spread showed me. very rarely i get a no that actually means no. sometimes i get a no, they won't answer me during the day or right now, it'll take a little while and so.

Click to expand...

it sounds like you're testing the cards; with this kind of question, either the person is going to answer you or not - and depending on what your answer was, that gives you a reason to either believe or distrust your reading.

and the problem is: i have ocd. put that with my anxiety and you get a constant need for reassurence. so if i have a lovely reading done by a friend or even my mom, i don't let it slide. because i need to be sure. so i read for myself and that's a disaster and i'm left not knowing what to believe.

Click to expand...

and here again, you want to "be sure", so you do the reading again - it's almost as if you're asking for those scary cards to come up for yourself.

i mean, i get it - the cards can be murky and unclear, and it's tempting to read on things important to you often!
but here's my advice: i really think that it would help if you maybe did fewer readings. don't read about your love life more than once a week (at least!). make a ritual of it, do a nice, big spread, and leave it out for a day or two. keep coming back to it, and see if anything more pops out at you, or if there are any connections that you hadn't seen before. if any of the cards that you're scared of come up, do some research on it, try to see if it can be seen in a positive light - i firmly believe that no card is entirely "bad" or entirely "good". trust the cards, because why would you be scared if you didn't think there was something there?

it sounds like you're a good reader, but you just need to slow down a little bit; too many readings will always give you mixed messages and contribute to that "floating mess" that you're trying to avoid...

just my two cents! the very best of luck to you ~

i am so so so so deeply sorry for the late reply! i had this big episode where i shut myself down and had no contact with anyone or anything for weeks. but i am okay and reading these made it even better. you all have amazing experiences and are also going through rough patches but standing your ground. that's amazing and inspiring, thank you. <3

I rarely read for myself... I often have a friend read for me and we trade... hell, trading with people here is great! Because this is a 'stranger' you aren't influencing your readings really in way... just repeating the words.