Meditating on cards, heavy emotions and confusion.

[Meemai]

Hello,

I want to thank you all for clicking on this and reading this. And would like to apologise, as I am making a lot of topics lately. But I am very thankful to all those that read, reply and help. Your really helping me in my journey of tarot, however I have found that tarot cards are now trying to do something....

Prelude - no need to read (--------> ) Will mark end of prelude.

Let me explain first that I am a very open person. It's part of my disorder one of the things that is a theme in my disorder is this: High Openness
Preoccupation with fantasy and daydreaming; lack of practicality; eccentric thinking (e.g., belief in ghosts, reincarnation, UFOs); diffuse identity and changing goals: for example, joining religious cult; susceptibility to nightmares and states of altered consciousness; social rebelliousness and nonconformity that can interfere with social or vocational advancement.

Now having read that you must understand even for a beginner I am taking the cards very seriously. As a kid I always have been scared for aliens and ghost and I still have to go downstairs with a flashlight that is how scared I can be at times. So I want to make sure you the reader understands that the cards I am taking them 100% seriously.
You can start reading here if you find this thread has to much text.
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So I went to meditate to bond with my deck, I look at a card look at the symbols guess the meaning and then look up the meaning and after that meditate on that. I did it with a few cards but I notice that a lot of cards are giving me a heavy sinking feeling in my chest.

I will go over them a bit: It started with the nine of cups meditating on that one gave me a heavy feeling in my chest. So did the 7 of cups, major arcana three the empress. 8 of swords, 6 of swords. Queen of wands, queen of chalices and 6 of cups.

I did draw other cards and meditated on death, 7 of swords, hierophant,7 of wands the fool and a few.

Now I do not want to discuss all the cards that's why I posted in in talking tarot but one thing I notice is this:

The empress even though she is depicted like a strong lady or so I think I use the Rider Waite deck, I just meditated on it and saw her petting me. The queen of chalices I was in her lap and she was also petting me. The queen of wands would play with me, and the 9 of cups I would have this friendly man waiting on me to drink together. The seven of cups I imagined myself being happy and seeing all my dreams marveling at them. The 8 of swords was a heavy one I saw myself walking away with the swords behind me, not knowing where to go but just walking blindly. The 6 of swords I imagined my house was burned down and I was escaping for a new tomorrow.

Now all these imaginations and with every of those cards I felt a sinking feeling in my chest it hurts. And I had to stop doing more cards. Is this normal? I am wondering if it is because it hurts really bad in a way, emotionally I mean. On the other hand it does not leave me depressed at the ground though at the moment I am very confused so I am very sorry if this topic makes no sense. I am at a feeling off loss, and I do not know what's going on with me.

I do hope some people can tell me if this is normal, or if they had any of these things. I would be happy if people can support.

Thanks a lot.

 

[danieljuk]

meditating on the cards is something that I have always wanted to get in to and never really have more than a few times. I hope to get into it like you Meemai.

Talking generally though, I have done meditations where I have felt really bad! either I can't calm down or I just did not feel too great health wise during them. Maybe especially thinking of particular issues.

If that does happen and it was like your emotional hurting, I think to not be scared and just feel that feeling and start to wind up the meditation. Maybe try with positive cards (the fool and the sun are amazing cards to meditate on), see how you feel with them. If you feel awful with cards, spend a little time with them everyday, short periods. See if it improves!

I did not feel well doing an audio meditation, but I did it for a short period everyday and it did release and improve! I guess I am saying, don't run from it! this is just my experiences though

 

[3ill.yazi]

It's normal to have bad thoughts and sensations in meditation. Just accept them and experience them and learn.

 

[EmpressSha]

I think it's natural to have an emotional response to certain cards... For me the 8 of Swords also makes me feel that same heaviness in my chest if I try to go into it because of personal experiences in the past that the card brought up again. Perhaps it is something similar for you?

I agree with Dan, don't fear it or run from it. The emotions you are experiencing are part of your tarot journey... you can associate the cards with the emotions you feel when you look at them which will help you (especially if you don't use reversals). Afterall tarot is a very personal thing! Maybe jot all the thoughts down when you are looking at the card to release them into the world? Hopefully the next time you see the card you won't have such an intense response!

 

[Grizabella]

You seem to have a very good grasp on your disorder. I've never heard of that disorder, but since you live in the Netherlands, they may have a different name for something it would be called here that I'd recognize.

At any rate, you do list the symptoms and it sounds to me like the way you're using the cards isn't helping your disorder and maybe you should talk to your therapist to see what he or she thinks. Maybe they can help you to find a way to use the cards that won't be causing you distress and then that may resolve the issue for you.

I wish you well at any rate.

 

[Meemai]

You seem to have a very good grasp on your disorder. I've never heard of that disorder, but since you live in the Netherlands, they may have a different name for something it would be called here that I'd recognize.

At any rate, you do list the symptoms and it sounds to me like the way you're using the cards isn't helping your disorder and maybe you should talk to your therapist to see what he or she thinks. Maybe they can help you to find a way to use the cards that won't be causing you distress and then that may resolve the issue for you.

I wish you well at any rate.

Actually I just meditated on the card strenght, and I saw myself as the lion and the maiden taming me. With the lion I think my anger got adressed the deep angers that I feel in the disorder etc.

I do not have a therapist for my schizoid personality disorder. But I can see that the cards are showing me what I deeply long for I think love in a way or someone to take away my pain. Or me myself take away the pain. In all cards that hurt me it's either about starting a new or having someone comfort me it seems to be a reocurring theme for me. Strength really made me realise this.