Ways of openning up to forgiveness

[Milfoil]

Forgiveness is a beautiful subject which has been discussed in several previous threads but it would be lovely to share between ourselves how we have each found ways, methods etc to come to true forgiveness in our lives. Whether forgiving ourselves or others, what is your way?

Looking back over the years it has dawned on me that I had to go through a period of discomfort (pain, anger, fear, hate etc) in order to truly learn about myself and what changes I could make. Learning about forgiveness is something which has made such a great impact in my life and given the season of goodwill is almost upon us, it seems like a propitious time to talk about it.

Last year we had some deeply disturbing problems with a builder who did things which were phychologically, legally and physically intimidating. The stress we were under combined with his actions lead to a very difficult time for us as a family. Just over a year on, I find myself working to truly forgive him. Not sure it is complete yet but much of the work has been very uplifting and freeing.

Firstly, the want or acknowledgement that true and full forgiveness is required is a major first step.

Secondly a very simple visualisation where my Spirits support me by cutting cords and reworking my energy field while I see him sat in front of me and I ask for and channel loving forgiveness through me to him. The moment I can truly do this, with compassion and honesty, he fades away.

Once done, my Spirits bring me something which is to help me heal and move forward.

This way of working is different to the way I've tried in the past so I feel sure there are probably as many ways as there are people.

How do you work through forgiveness?
What are the blocks which you find prevent you from truly forgiving?

 

[Disa]

What a huge lesson forgiveness has been for me. Hopefully I can condense my answer so as not to turn it into a dissertation

The most difficult issue I guess I had to deal with was forgiveness of my mother for the type of mother she was in my childhood (and continues to be today) For years I had issues of feeling as though I wasn't deserving of anything good, that I wasn't loveable, that people really didn't care if I existed or not and that they were just being nice to me for the sake of being polite. (As a child around 5th or 6th grade and a few years beyond I didn't feel as though anyone could see me at all) I still struggle to a small degree with some of these things in rare moments, but it isn't all consuming like it was then.

Anyway, After my own daughter was born, a lot of healing took place as I created the type of relationship with my daughter that I never had (and more than likely never will have) with my own mom.

It took many years of introspection to realize that these feelings I had of myself weren't actually true, they were the result of ideas I had formed about myself based on the way I was treated during my childhood, and that if I could change my way of thinking, I could move on.

After much introspection and reading about things such as accepting, forgiving, and releasing I finally found my way through. I finally realized by not forgiving her it wasn't doing anything to her, it was just tearing me apart. For my own self preservation I learned to accept that she did the best she knew how to do. My mother isn't a bad person by any means, she just wasn't a good mother. I realized it's wrong for me to expect something from her that she just really is unable to give. By accepting that, it doesn't condone what she did or did not do, but it puts it in a better context for me as in it wasn't my fault that she raised me the way she did. It wasn't my fault that she had no coping skills. Actually, it isn't totally her fault, either- it's just the way it is. So, I accepted that this is just the way it is and released it to the universe Then I was free to move on.

I find that there are people who have done things to me as an adult that I really don't care to forgive, they aren't worth the struggle to me and so I am just as happy to just not have them in my life anymore. (I admit it may not be the way I'm supposed to do things but I had enough drama as a child and I don't really put up with it as an adult.) But with my mother, well- she's my mother, I feel it's worth it to make the effort. I do love her and she is a great person, she just will never be what I think a mother is supposed to be.

The blocks that prevent me from truly forgiving? It's too hard, it really is too hard. In most cases, if the people you are forgiving are still in your life it's an ongoing process of forgiving because they continue to do the same things over and over- I find it easier to just not have them around. I can forgive what's been done, but I don't want to experience the patterns anymore. It may sound harsh and it isn't meant to be. There are very few things I will not forgive and move on. As children we are often helpless as to who or what our surroundings entail. As an adult, I have every tool of self-preservation at my disposal.

The post still ran longer than I intended- apologies for that but I wasn't sure how to say what I wanted to say without some background info.

I guess the main answer is how I dealt with it- acceptance, forgiveness, and release.

 

[Milfoil]

The blocks that prevent me from truly forgiving? It's too hard, it really is too hard. In most cases, if the people you are forgiving are still in your life it's an ongoing process of forgiving because they continue to do the same things over and over- I find it easier to just not have them around. I can forgive what's been done, but I don't want to experience the patterns anymore. It may sound harsh and it isn't meant to be. There are very few things I will not forgive and move on. As children we are often helpless as to who or what are surroundings entail. As an adult, I have every tool of self-preservation at my disposal.

Yes, I have found this too. The continued behaviour patters, especially of family and who we 'should' feel somehow different towards are much more difficult to forgive. I find myself continuing to search myself for ways in which to change my reaction towards these things and at the same time forgiving unconditionally. It is SO HARD but perhaps that's the key, just attempting it and struggling with it makes all the difference????

 

[Tuilirose]

Forgiveness, this is an interesting subject. I am sure that the ethical and moral aspects have been discussed in other Threads...but the techniques, that's kind of the key to getting to forgiveness, isn't it.

The need to forgive is what got me into Eastern thought. I would say Buddhism, but I don't mean all the formal trappings of Buddhism, that is just more organized religion, IMHO. But, since writings on Buddhism are widely available, that is how I became aware of the techniques.

By techniques I mean that focus on the breath, when thoughts get you by the "short hairs", so to speak, and the mind just wants to go in a circuit, with thoughts like "that was so wrong, how could they have done that to me", and on and on, always focusing on the event, and not being able to get away from these thoughts.

It is so true what Disa said, that people operate by patterns, and, seeing and being aware of these patterns, is important. An association with people who operate from patterns that do not 'jive' with ones own viewpoint will always lead to a divergence of interpretation, which will either require 'turning a blind eye' to their behavior, and angry outburst, an attempt to educate, or, forgiveness, or, I suppose another way is acceptance.
By acceptance I mean, we all need to work together with other people to "accomplice the mission", of whatever it is that we want to get done. People will always put their own 'stamp' on things, that we might have done differently. We just have to accept that.

In the case of problems like with this builder, ( I wish you had given a concrete example, Milfoil), one has to wonder, if it was shoddy work that led to more problems, if the builder was properly trained and knew what he was doing, or if he was trying to "pull the wool over your eyes", and substitute substandard materials in order to increase his own profits.

If he did shoddy work, but doesn't even realize that he is not working up to journeyman standards, that is one sort of failing. (He can't, won't, or doesn't want to learn to preform correct work), but if he knows perfectly well what acceptable standards are, but does not work up to these standards because of whatever...that is a failing of a different type.

In either case, it seems that the court system, in countries lucky enough to have functioning court systems, would be the place to resolve the differences.
Being ripped off is not something that should just be "forgiven". Notice, I did not say don't forgive the perpetrator of the rip off, but the rip off itself.

I have often had to deal with people who can't, won't, or don't, do what they have contracted (verbally or in writing) to do. If they don't understand exactly what they were supposed to do, that is partly my fault, for not communicating my expectations clearly. What pi**es me off are people who expect me to pretend like I don't know that I have been screwed over, OR, because "forgiveness is such a beautiful thing", just "forgive" and forget about it.

However, I one hundred percent agree that "forgiveness" is such an important concept because, not having that "inner" feeling of forgiveness just leads to inner turmoil, and bitterness.

So, back to techniques, I have noticed that sometimes people are fully aware when they did a lousy job. Pointing this out can be done with humor, but firmness. I think good humor is the key. Don't get personnel, focus on results.
If an injury is emotional and "inside", I agree with Disa, introspection, and reading about forgiveness and releasing, can free a person from the inner torment.

So, for me;
*introspection,
*being aware that certain people will treat me in a way that I will have serious
issues with and avoiding them, (no Disa, I don't think this is too harsh, I think your
pretty smart).
* breathing in and out, and trying to get to that spacious, beautiful place in my own head,
* and, above all, Time, and Love

ETA-Wow, I forgot to list that technique that has saved me from my ruminating thoughts many times-Present Moment Awareness.

 

[starrystarrynight]

For me, I think that once I can step into the shoes or minds of those who have hurt or wronged me and come to some sort of understanding about their motivations and lives at the time I felt betrayed by them, it becomes easier to forgive--and if not to forgive, then to pity them--for their human frailties. Sometimes, it even helps me to see that I was the one who was hurt because of my own humanness and not really because someone did something with the intent of hurting me--that the pain I felt was simply my reaction to the action--and not really something in need of forgiveness of someone else. That can be a pretty sobering bit of self-discovery, too.

 

[Milfoil]

The issues with the builder were to do with shoddy work, written promises which he never intended to keep, not asking us or sticking to the plans but instead building what was easiest and cheapest for him. When, after 3 major meetings about quality, price and fundamental mistakes (house foundations built a foot shorter than they should be which compromised the whole build), it was clear that we could no longer work together, then the real problems started with threats, broken windows, damage to property, legal implications and theft. It was malevolent and very personal.

Forgiving him for his reaction and the pain it caused has been very difficult. It's not over but a good start has been made. Somehow it is so much less than it was, just thinking about it all doesn't bring the same emotions, if any, into play and I keep visualising meeting him and wondering how I would react. No longer is there a need for him to be or do anything, it doesn't matter if he changes or not, learns or not. What matters is how I smile at the mistakes we made and how I just breathe easy again not being reminded of the pain every time I see certain things. Now there is no pain, only memories.

It is SO easy to cling on tightly to the feeling of being justified in our anger and so much harder to let it go but something deep down flowers within us when we do. It's not an overnight change (certainly isn't for me) and definitely isn't something as easy as taking a pill. Sometimes I think it is very easy to get introspection mixed up with mulling over things and keeping open old wounds. The trick is to want to change and to want to find forgiveness and forward movement for ourselves.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that I am proud of myself but more that there is a sense of hard won achievement which, like running a marathon, is only an indicator of that distance travelled. Stop running, stop trying and the flab soon takes over so that you can't even run again.

 

[squeakmo9]

How do you work through forgiveness?
What are the blocks which you find prevent you from truly forgiving?

The trick is to want to change and to want to find forgiveness and forward movement for ourselves.

This attitude and mindset is very good place to start. I also ask for help like saying to the Universe: "This is my intention...to find peace in my heart and mind, please help me in this endeavor, because I am at a loss right now".
Forgiveness, compassion are both a constant process and challenge for me. Because time and again I have to challenge my own fears and angers. Especially if I feel I am in the right. But for me to feel healed and whole I have had to face this side of myself. I have had to deal with issues related to neighbors. This is where I find my main challenges and where I have felt, for lack of a better word, "cursed". Recently I have taken a different perspective of seeing a problem as an opportunity to practice forgiveness, compassion. Because when things go awry with the next door people I am automatically faced with my own fears/angers. I am beginning to understand that I am stronger than any one of my fears, and I believe I am understanding myself and my enviroment better.

 

[Milfoil]

This attitude and mindset is very good place to start. I also ask for help like saying to the Universe: "This is my intention...to find peace in my heart and mind, please help me in this endeavor, because I am at a loss right now".
Forgiveness, compassion are both a constant process and challenge for me. Because time and again I have to challenge my own fears and angers. Especially if I feel I am in the right. But for me to feel healed and whole I have had to face this side of myself. I have had to deal with issues related to neighbors. This is where I find my main challenges and where I have felt, for lack of a better word, "cursed". Recently I have taken a different perspective of seeing a problem as an opportunity to practice forgiveness, compassion. Because when things go awry with the next door people I am automatically faced with my own fears/angers. I am beginning to understand that I am stronger than any one of my fears, and I believe I am understanding myself and my enviroment better.

YES, beautifully put.

 

[Tuilirose]

What an ordeal Milfoil. Did you take him to court, or get reimbursement?

 

[Disa]

You all make excellent points. I guess we're all coming through it in similar ways.

I agree you have to first WANT to forgive- that's the first step, I think. Realizing who it is you want to forgive because it really matters. THEY really matter and we want things to be right with them. OR on the other hand, just to get over it and be done with the resentment or whatever is building up inside of us while we continue to NOT forgive.

By introspection, I mean looking within and seeing what I can change in the situation- where I am and where I am not responsible for the circumstances. Changing what I can and finding a way to get through the rest of it. (What's that Serenity prayer say, the power to change what I can, accept what I can't and the ability to know the difference? something to that effect)

I'm not one to dwell on things or wallow in the past, I just seem to have the kind of family members who do like to do this, and so the wounds never fully close. Just when I think I'm through with it, someone brings it all up again- no matter how many times I say I'm done with that let's change the subject.

Living in the present moment is something I will forever strive to do. What happened in the past isn't happening now. Life is good NOW. If others would do the same, we'd probably all be better off

I'll keep reading this thread. It will help me to stay on task when the next go round appears. Or to get through the one that just occurred this morning

Thanks you guys for all your words of wisdom and this great place to work things through when we need it.