What is hate?

[caridwen]

I'm ashamed to say that I think I hate someone. I don't often use the word "hate" and have struggled very hard to find compassion instead. It is not an emotion that I am very familar with.

However, whislt thinking about someone who has acted in a very damaging way that nearly cost me my life and who is continuing to damage me in other ways, I realised the other day that I think I hate her!

In order for me to work through and hopefully release this intense emotion, I need to first understand what it is.

Has anyone had experience of hating someone and how did you work through it and come out the other side?

 

[The crowned one]

I would imagine the energy it takes to maintain such a emotion to be almost impossible to maintain, except with great focus and concentration. Hate is a form of self-suffering in a visceral sense, as it is hard on the body. That in it self, like stress, is a good reason to get a handle on it. Hume, who I respect, says hate is an irreducible feeling, I am not sure, as I think the word itself is misleading.

Hate, like love, involves making assumptions about the other, a “theory of mind”. With love, we take for granted the object of our desire acts with compassion, sexual hunger and reciprocation wants, so we love. In hate, you believe the object of your desire acts despicably, with malice and intent to do damage to you, so you may hate.

The study by John Romaya of the Wellcome Laboratory of Neurobiology at UCL: In this work, we address an important but unexplored topic, namely the neural correlates of hate. In a block-design fMRI study, we scanned 17 normal human subjects while they viewed the face of a person they hated and also faces of acquaintances for whom they had neutral feelings. A hate score was obtained for the object of hate for each subject and this was used as a covariate in a between-subject random effects analysis. Viewing a hated face resulted in increased activity in the medial frontal gyrus, right putamen, bilaterally in premotor cortex, in the frontal pole and bilaterally in the medial insula. We also found three areas where activation correlated linearly with the declared level of hatred, the right insula, right premotor cortex and the right fronto-medial gyrus. One area of deactivation was found in the right superior frontal gyrus. The study thus shows that there is a unique pattern of activity in the brain in the context of hate. Though distinct from the pattern of activity that correlates with romantic love, this pattern nevertheless shares two areas with the latter, namely the putamen and the insula...<snip>..... “Significantly, the putamen and insula are also both activated by romantic love. This is not surprising. The putamen could also be involved in the preparation of aggressive acts in a romantic context, as in situations when a rival presents a danger. Previous studies have suggested that the insula may be involved in responses to distressing stimuli, and the viewing of both a loved and a hated face may constitute such a distressing signal."

So no surprise that neurologically speaking love and hate are related. But I suspect you are interested in the philosophy and practical application of it more then the neural correlates of hate? Still they can be a part of the solution to the puzzle.

I think all the usual rote answers of forgive and let it go, or time heals etc, are pretty useless but at the same time I have little to offer except study the root cause of your hate with a empirical mind set and you will work thorough it. For me understanding the "meat" side is just as important as the "mind" side. Here is why understanding works : say hate is fear based, understand your fear, hate fades, no fear left. I would ask myself is my hate rational or irrational as a starting place. Hate is a tough one, as I have not experienced it first hand, I can not offer a practical solution, just a few idea's to set you on a possible path. Good luck with letting it go, however you find the solution.

 

[gregory]

I would imagine the energy it takes to maintain such a emotion to be almost impossible to maintain, except with great focus and concentration. Hate is a form of self-suffering in a visceral sense, as it is hard on the body. That in it self, like stress, is a good reason to get a handle on it. Hume, who I respect, says hate is an irreducible feeling, I am not sure, as I think the word itself is misleading.

Right on, TCO. I used to hate someone till I realised that a) they didn't give a toss, so what was the meaning of it all and b) it was wearing me out, as you say, and really, what was the POINT ! None. So I stopped. It made no difference to my life except in the peace that came when I quit. Hate poisons the hater.

 

[NikkiB]

same here, I have hated but actually I learnt the only person it hurt or affected was me, it taught me to let go of emotions, situations or people that were not positive in my life - it makes for an easier life and stops that person having such power over you that you eat yourself up over it..

I remember reading a buddist book and it was talking about holding on to negative situations, people emotions etc and it said that you CAN choose to let it go... and it sounds so easy but actually you know what.. i've learnt you can do that, you can choose to let it but you have to mean it..

good luck sounds like you have had a terrible time xxx

 

[Le Fanu]

For all the theorising and the semantics and the knowledge that really it isn't worth it, sometimes the feeling just grabs us and won't let go. All I can say is that I think with time it must fade (surely?) I have felt intense dislike for people and felt it eat away at me and I have read books on buddhism, meditated, worked through the feelings and tried everything. But when my own life feels fully satisfying, I find that I don't have time to hate, or even dislike. I mean, if I feel that I don't have control of my life, it is easier to project the frustrations on others and what they have done to scupper things for me.

The best thing to keep hate at bay is simply to feel in control of your (not your, I mean *one's*) life. To feel that you do have control over things. I firmly believe we hate when we suspect someone is scuppering what we feel we deserve, or scuppering what we feel would make us happy.

I think it's very brave of you to throw this post and question out there, caridwen. Better than sitting and seething over it.

 

[caridwen]

I would imagine the energy it takes to maintain such a emotion to be almost impossible to maintain, except with great focus and concentration. Hate is a form of self-suffering in a visceral sense, as it is hard on the body. That in it self, like stress, is a good reason to get a handle on it. Hume, who I respect, says hate is an irreducible feeling, I am not sure, as I think the word itself is misleading.

Hate, like love, involves making assumptions about the other, a “theory of mind”. With love, we take for granted the object of our desire acts with compassion, sexual hunger and reciprocation wants, so we love. In hate, you believe the object of your desire acts despicably, with malice and intent to do damage to you, so you may hate.

I totally agree that hate is a form of self harm. Whilst I have cut this person out of my life due to their toxic personality, as she is family I can do little but keep her at arms length. Since I have not shared my side of what happened and her behaviour, she has taken the opportunity to fill the silence with malice. Thinking about it, in much the same way as a celebrity divorce couple where one side keeps quiet and the other tells all to the gutter press.

The study by John Romaya of the Wellcome Laboratory of Neurobiology at UCL: In this work, we address an important but unexplored topic, namely the neural correlates of hate. In a block-design fMRI study, we scanned 17 normal human subjects while they viewed the face of a person they hated and also faces of acquaintances for whom they had neutral feelings. A hate score was obtained for the object of hate for each subject and this was used as a covariate in a between-subject random effects analysis. Viewing a hated face resulted in increased activity in the medial frontal gyrus, right putamen, bilaterally in premotor cortex, in the frontal pole and bilaterally in the medial insula. We also found three areas where activation correlated linearly with the declared level of hatred, the right insula, right premotor cortex and the right fronto-medial gyrus. One area of deactivation was found in the right superior frontal gyrus. The study thus shows that there is a unique pattern of activity in the brain in the context of hate. Though distinct from the pattern of activity that correlates with romantic love, this pattern nevertheless shares two areas with the latter, namely the putamen and the insula...<snip>..... “Significantly, the putamen and insula are also both activated by romantic love. This is not surprising. The putamen could also be involved in the preparation of aggressive acts in a romantic context, as in situations when a rival presents a danger. Previous studies have suggested that the insula may be involved in responses to distressing stimuli, and the viewing of both a loved and a hated face may constitute such a distressing signal."

I find this fascinating.

So no surprise that neurologically speaking love and hate are related. But I suspect you are interested in the philosophy and practical application of it more then the neural correlates of hate? Still they can be a part of the solution to the puzzle.

I am interested in exploring it as an issue. I understand that hate is judged negatively. I read somewhere that it is a mistake to ask people to forgive those who have harmed them nor do I understand what it achieves. However I would like to find peace of mind.

I think all the usual rote answers of forgive and let it go, or time heals etc, are pretty useless...

I am capable of letting things go and time does heal. However I realise that I have never really hated anyone before. I have been angry, hurt and upset but not hated. My best friend stole quite a lot from me and I was very hurt and felt very betrayed but I didn't hate him. I just didn't talk to him again and now don't feel any anger as it was a long time ago. I feel sad that he acted the way he did and don't understand why but I don't need to to let go. I haven't forgiven him either

... but at the same time I have little to offer except study the root cause of your hate with a empirical mind set and you will work thorough it. For me understanding the "meat" side is just as important as the "mind" side. Here is why understanding works : say hate is fear based, understand your fear, hate fades, no fear left. I would ask myself is my hate rational or irrational as a starting place. Hate is a tough one, as I have not experienced it first hand, I can not offer a practical solution, just a few idea's to set you on a possible path. Good luck with letting it go, however you find the solution.

I think I am trying to find the root cause in order to work through it. I try to be as objective as I can without making excuses for poor behaviour. I don't think my hate is based on fear. I don't fear this person. I am betrayed, angry, humiliated, betrayed again and blaming towards her. I realise that I may have contributed towards the situation and I am still polite towards her.

I think my hate is rational. There is a good reason for it. It is not irrational in that it is neither unreasonable nor inexplicable. I also believe her behaviour is malicious and she acted with intent and still is. I would be more compassionate if I thought her behaviour was unintentional and she did not mean to cause the harm she did. She did cause the harm she did selfishly, narcissistically and intentionally. She still is.

I think part of the process is accepting her for the person she is, and finding a way to find peace of mind regarding her past actions and continuing actions. I have done all I can pysically in that I have kept away from her, asked her to keep away from me and retained a level of civility. I now need to find a way of moving on but it hits me in waves.

 

[gregory]

For all the theorising and the semantics and the knowledge that really it isn't worth it, sometimes the feeling just grabs us and won't let go. All I can say is that I think with time it must fade (surely?)

I found that when I realised how it was affecting ME and not HER, it wasn't that hard to let go.... But maybe I am just shallow

 

[caridwen]

But when my own life feels fully satisfying, I find that I don't have time to hate, or even dislike. I mean, if I feel that I don't have control of my life, it is easier to project the frustrations on others and what they have done to scupper things for me.

Yes yes yes yes and a thousand times yes I have also found that I don't feel resentment or anger or anything else when my life is full and satisfying. It is only when I feel self pitying or disatisifed that these feelings rear their ugly heads and cause turmoil.

My ego is shaking its head furiously as the idea of projection It's all her I tell you

I don't sit in my darkened turret throwing darts at her picture and it only hit me a few weeks ago that I hate her. I now need to find a way of working through that. I can't change her and I can't change the situation but I can change the negative effect it is having on me. I would like to get to the point of indifference.

The best thing to keep hate at bay is simply to feel in control of your (not your, I mean *one's*) life. To feel that you do have control over things. I firmly believe we hate when we suspect someone is scuppering what we feel we deserve, or scuppering what we feel would make us happy.

Again I agree - a sense of empowerment always makes us feel better and more forgiving or if not forgiving, more willing to just let things go. I don't think she is scuppering what will make me happy or what I deserve but I understand what you mean. For me it's a sense of repeated betrayal and spite that I am finding it hard to get over.

As for being brave - thank you.

 

[BodhiSeed]

Caridwen, you might find some help here in this thread on forgiveness:
http://www.tarotforum.net/showthread.php?t=168159&highlight=forgiveness

 

[DownwardSpiral]

I think my hate is rational. There is a good reason for it. It is not irrational in that it is neither unreasonable nor inexplicable. I also believe her behaviour is malicious and she acted with intent and still is. I would be more compassionate if I thought her behaviour was unintentional and she did not mean to cause the harm she did. She did cause the harm she did selfishly, narcissistically and intentionally. She still is.

If this was me I would just accept it for what it is. You know that saying......there's a thin line between love and hate. Hate is an emotion....it's something YOU feel....it doesn't make you a bad person......it's just an emotion you don't want to dwell on.