Meddling, muddling ADD querent

I have a friend whom I adore, and who is always asking me to read the cards for her. The problem is, as much as I love her, I don't really enjoy reading for her. She would probably win the Miss ADD title every year if it existed.

So, while I choose the cards, shuffle them, lay them out and try to make sense of them, she chats endlessly, texts and talks on her cell, touches and moves the cards, complains about a particular card she doesn't like, contradicts or reinforces every single word I say or simply talks over it, and generally makes a reading almost impossible.

I manage somehow because, well, the cards are there and they talk whether you like it or not, but I have to tell her to shut up several times during a reading, or wait for her to finish texting or talking on her cell. (Sometimes I just take her phone away and pocket it until I'm done.)

Usually I just stay with the cards when she leaves, and then I can concentrate and get more from them, and then call her and tell her what I see. And even then she interrupts, puts me on hold and tells me she has to call me back --several times! I have tried writing it down and emailing it to her, but it's useless, because then she calls me about the email and I have to go through it with her over the phone, with all the interruptions de rigueur.

Since not reading for her is NOT an option (I know I have made her sound bad, but she's actually a great human being and a fierce friend --and gorgeous to boot), I want to put this out there: what does one do with a meddling, muddling ADD querent?

She could be the most divine woman in the world but her behavior is not respectful to you and the art, especially if you are doing this out of kindness and not for pay. She's not a bad person, she just doesn't realize that what she's doing is rude. Maybe it's time to let her know in a nice way that her behavior is disruptive to the answers she's seeking.

I have. And I have patiently explained to her the fine points of cellphone etiquette over and over --sometimes with expletives. It does NOT work.

She's the kindest, sweetest human being imaginable, and a devoted friend, but there are things she just doesn't get. She doesn't mean to disrespect anything or anybody --in fact, I would make her cry rivers if I told her so. She's just... frustrating that way.

I can understand your disappointment since I know a couple of people like that myself. Trying to change her is probably futile. After all, what you see as a 'disruption' of a reading process is merely the way she is.

I've found that probably the best tactics with such people is to let them be. Get yourself some tea and drink it while she's chatting on the phone. After all, it's her who needs the reading, not you, so let her make you talk. If she keeps commenting your reading, let her do so. In fact, you could try encouraging it (she's not a paying client, right?). Ask her what she sees in the cards and what they could mean. Let her read her cards herself. That way, she might take much more out of your reading, and you'll save your nerves.

Hope this helps.

dancing_moon said:

I can understand your disappointment since I know a couple of people like that myself. Trying to change her is probably futile. After all, what you see as a 'disruption' of a reading process is merely the way she is.

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<sighing> Exactly.

dancing_moon said:

I've found that probably the best tactics with such people is to let them be. Get yourself some tea and drink it while she's chatting on the phone. After all, it's her who needs the reading, not you, so let her make you talk. If she keeps commenting your reading, let her do so. In fact, you could try encouraging it (she's not a paying client, right?). Ask her what she sees in the cards and what they could mean. Let her read her cards herself. That way, she might take much more out of your reading, and you'll save your nerves.

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That's excellent advice! My concentration suffers a lot, though, with just having her droning in the background --plus she's the kind of person who needs a lot of attention. But making her reads the cards herself --perfect.

A paying client! Honey, I OWE her money! That's the kind of friend she is --selfless, generous, smart... and scatty.

dancing_moon said:

Hope this helps.

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It HAS! Thanks!

I'm glad you've gotten a lot of good advice here, and I might suggest, if another suggestion is needed, to try devising shorter spreads for her, so then 1) it might take a shorter time during which she can make a bit of effort and 2) she might pay attention if it's different in structure than what she is used to. Have you tried the one about the energies of the cellphone may mess with the energies of the reading (not to mention the increase in brain damage risk they are documenting more and more now)? Just an idea--

Also, if you owe her money, I would ask myself if that makes you feel obliged to put up with poor (although good-hearted--I know, I know) behaviour...? Six of pentacles is coming into my mind on this!!! Good luck with the balance of it--it sounds sticky.

donnalee said:

I'm glad you've gotten a lot of good advice here, and I might suggest, if another suggestion is needed, to try devising shorter spreads for her, so then 1) it might take a shorter time during which she can make a bit of effort and 2) she might pay attention if it's different in structure than what she is used to.

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I usually just do three-card spreads and take it from there. But a change could definitely help.

I could try either changing the spread, or just doing it differently, turning one card at a time. And doing some mumbo-jumbo stuff to make her shut up and pay attention. Now THAT could be helpful. I could make her hold a candle with both hands throughout the reading or something like that...

dancing_moon said:

Have you tried the one about the energies of the cellphone may mess with the energies of the reading (not to mention the increase in brain damage risk they are documenting more and more now)? Just an idea--

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That's another good idea! Only you're scaring me now...

dancing_moon said:

Also, if you owe her money, I would ask myself if that makes you feel obliged to put up with poor (although good-hearted--I know, I know) behaviour...? Six of pentacles is coming into my mind on this!!! Good luck with the balance of it--it sounds sticky.

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No, it's not like that, thank goodness. The money thing is recent --while her behavior is OLD--, I'm paying her little by little, and actually I would say it's more of a Six of Cups situation, where I'm the older sibling.

Thanks! You have given me some interesting ideas... The Goddess Moo Moo Spread, where the querent has to hold a candle with both hands and be as silent as possible... burning sage and dragon's blood...

Goddessofthehunter said:

She could be the most divine woman in the world but her behavior is not respectful to you and the art, especially if you are doing this out of kindness and not for pay. She's not a bad person, she just doesn't realize that what she's doing is rude. Maybe it's time to let her know in a nice way that her behavior is disruptive to the answers she's seeking.

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I haven't read all the posts in this thread, but what I wanted to add is that you should just stop reading if she takes a call or a text while the reading is going on. She's being very rude and I think she's doing it on purpose. While she's doing anything else but listening and paying attention to the reading, just stop talking and sit there. Don't say a word unless she's paying attention only to you. Don't explain why you're doing it. Just calmly stop talking and sit there quietly. Soon she'll get the point.

We teach people how to treat us. The fact that you'll continue reading for her while she does all this other stuff has taught her that you'll allow her to do it. Calmly and matter-of-factly stopping the reading and being silent gets the point across. Don't let it become an argument----just stop. If she tries to turn it into an argument, tell her nicely and calmly (once only) that you're not going to read the cards while she's otherwise preoccupied. Then stick to it. And if she does it again during that reading, just pick up your cards and put them away---all without anger or any bickering or further explanation.

To answer your last sentence, Flizarraga

RUN lol. OK seriously, if it were a friend, I would just say if you wish me to read for you, I need...and then whatever it is. Your attention. Quiet. Whatever. It reminds me of people who are constantly on their cell when they're dining with someone, although in a reading, it would be worse! You are so good to do readings for your friend and patient .

Trust me, Grizabella, as annoying as she can get, she doesn't do it on purpose. Those are compulsive behaviors. She can't NOT answer the phone, and she has trouble focusing. We joke that, if somebody calls her by mistake after she dies, she'll pick up and say: "Listen, I can't talk to you right now, I'm just being cremated. I'll call you later!"

She doesn't even put her cell on silent, ever. When I visit her, we chat and watch Netflix together all night, until she starts falling asleep on me. Then, while I'm walking home (we live about a mile apart) I start calling her and telling her to please look for my cellphone, since apparently I left it at her apartment. Her pleas of: "Stop calling me! Let me SLEEP!" keep me entertained throughout the walk...

Grizabella said:

I haven't read all the posts in this thread, but what I wanted to add is that you should just stop reading if she takes a call or a text while the reading is going on. She's being very rude and I think she's doing it on purpose. While she's doing anything else but listening and paying attention to the reading, just stop talking and sit there. Don't say a word unless she's paying attention only to you. Don't explain why you're doing it. Just calmly stop talking and sit there quietly. Soon she'll get the point.

We teach people how to treat us. The fact that you'll continue reading for her while she does all this other stuff has taught her that you'll allow her to do it. Calmly and matter-of-factly stopping the reading and being silent gets the point across. Don't let it become an argument----just stop. If she tries to turn it into an argument, tell her nicely and calmly (once only) that you're not going to read the cards while she's otherwise preoccupied. Then stick to it. And if she does it again during that reading, just pick up your cards and put them away---all without anger or any bickering or further explanation.

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