How to change someone else's behaviour?

[Saskia]

Or rather, how to influence or prompt someone benevolently. Here's what I wrote about this issue (why this could be needed and why I don't think it's manipulation), and here's an example thread:

ETA: faulty link fixed!

How to encourage change in another person

1 - 2 -3
4 - 5 - 6

1 The situation
2 How to bring the issue up?
3 The best realistic outcome if I raise the issue?
4 How will the other person behave?
5 How should I make the other feel? (to see what matters to them)
6 The outcome

An example reading: the issue - how to get someone play less video games

1 Page of Swords - well, the issue is about having mental fun, exploring, playing, feeling excited by a mental challenge, and that clearly is important to this person. So, it needs to be understood and acknowledged - nobody changes their behaviour if they get more out of continuing it than changing or stopping it. Clearly this is an important matter of having fun and stretching one's mental capabilities so now the question should be: is there really a need to change their behaviour?

2 King of Swords- be direct, honest, unemotional, rely on logic: bring up the pros and cons that the playing has on the people around and also the person (lack of exercise, lack of social time with the family etc.). State your point without drama, just lay it out as it is but don't budge from your position, either.

3 Two of Swords - the person will always be of two minds: wants to play, but knows that excess is not beneficial. This seems like an ongoing issue and the person will not be able to decide only one direction (play full-on or not play at all).

4 Seven of Swords- this person will sneak behind everyone's back and most likely play when others are not at home (which is actually fine, so an OK outcome here).

5 Ten of Pentacles - that nothing is threatening the security and stability of their life. The person needs to feel stable, grounded and happy about their life as it is now and having an argument or discussion about gaming will not make this person lose what matters to them (family, home, income etc.).

6 Knight of Swords - the outcome can be a bit of a clash: this Knight is fast, furious and very frank up to the point of being rude. It's best to keep emotions in check when having this discussion (and also after) and stick to the behaviour of the King of Swords: truthful, analytical, structured and solution-oriented.

Hope this is of help!

 

[Flames]

At first I didn't know what to expect because of the title of the post but when I read your entry, I completely understood what you were getting at. I thought it was eye opening and very helpful. You provide useful tips. I particularly like what you said about how people want to prove you're right about them or how people want to show they are worth the compliments you give. It reminded me of the saying, "You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar." It's a great spread, too. Thanks for sharing it. The pic of the Queen of Swords at the end really helped to tie the whole thing together for me. When we take responsibility for our own behaviour and are conscious of our own reactions, the process really does inspire others around us to follow suit. Thank you!

 

[Saskia]

Thank you Flames! It's good to hear it all makes sense. I thought is the Queen of Swords out of place because she was not discussed in the post so it's particularly great to hear it helps tie it all together! Very much appreciated

 

[Laurelle]

Saskia,

Was this your own spread? It is really wonderful. I have a situation that can use this spread. Thank you for posting it.

And I'm sorry about that slap! Your blog is a great analysis of how to deal with people in a benevolent way. I know as a mother I have to come up with different tactics that work....and it's very, very obvious that anything aggressive does NOT work especially since children parrot behavior.

The spread reminds me of the Empress card. How the Empress would gently remind someone or try to nurture and help them be their best self.

If you are not yet a mother, you will be a good one. If you are already a mother, you're children are very lucky.

 

[Saskia]

Thank you very much Laurelle, such a beautiful thing to say!

I'm not a mother yet, but it's nice to hear I'd make a good one

I've not always been this patient and empathic so before, I would have been a mother with a very short fuse... funny how you can grow and change with life that Empress parallel is really interesting and fitting, I think.

Oh, forgot to add that yes it's my own spread: the spreads I post are my own unless I attribute them to others. Have to remember to mention that in the future.

 

[cozmo0_4]

I've just had a go at this spread and will let post on the forums. Little trouble as I'm reading between them and me - as in trying to think my perspective, so I may have mixed up a little, but over all love the spread.
Can it be changed to "how to change your own behaviour " ?

 

[NatKat]

Or rather, how to influence or prompt someone benevolently. ...

Hope this is of help!

Hi Saskia,
Your example made me laugh. In 2004 my ex-husband got depressed and so addicted to video games that I finally said I would divorce if he didn't cancel is his subscription to WoW. It was that bad. I really would have left ... wasn't just idle threats.
Ultimately in the case of an addiction ... there was no amount of talking, cajoling, negotiating, or begging ... it came down to I will leave this relationship of the behavior persists
And later that happened ... but over his cheating and sex addiction not video games. He COULD keep his hands off the computer but COULDNT keep them off other women!

Of course kids are different. You can't kick them out until they're 18 or 21 and even then many parents are reluctant to take that step.

You propose a good spread for gaining insight ... but I still say - except with little kids - it is a mistake to think you can change the OTHER. ONLY you can change your reactions & perspective.

The wording of #5 seems problematic to me:
How should I make the other feel? (to see what matters to them)
These are 2 very different ideas! The first statement is totally manipulative (not saying manipulation is always WRONG ... sometimes its necessary!) the second statement is exploratory.
I like the "Mirror Spread" from Power Tarot book (pp 200-201) for interpersonal conflicts. I personally would use some adaptation of that spread for the issue you mention.

Often the idea of "changing another's behavior" springs from some level of addiction which means the person in question is acting so unconsciously they CANT change their behavior no matter HOW tactfully you talk or negotiate ... so you are left with ... ball in your court

...
Can it be changed to "how to change your own behaviour " ?

I agree. The spread has nice elements but also I would tweak the focus in this direction.

Hope this helps and as always, your mileage may vary

 

[Saskia]

Hi NatKat, thanks for your comments! I agree with a lot of it.

Yes, it's true we can't change anyone's behavior who doesn't want to change - either they don't see the point, don't agree with the needed change or can't due to addiction, and won't seek help for that.

However, I think that we all tweak and "correct" our behavior on a daily basis based on what seems to work - how else could we grow and mature in people skills? The idea was to constructively prompt another person - sometimes it simply isn't enough that "us" keep changing, but "them" don't

I didn't mean anything manipulative with #5. The idea was to see what is the core or most important feeling/thing for the other. If we don't know what makes others tick (what they need, crave, value or appreciate and why), we can't connect fully IMO.

A silly example: if you didn't realise/believe your hubby loves Formula 1 for the thrill, but thought he only watches it for the hot pitstop babes, where would that take your communication? It's about trying to understand the other, not manipulate. A better wording might be in order

Hi Saskia,
Your example made me laugh. In 2004 my ex-husband got depressed and so addicted to video games that I finally said I would divorce if he didn't cancel is his subscription to WoW. It was that bad. I really would have left ... wasn't just idle threats.
Ultimately in the case of an addiction ... there was no amount of talking, cajoling, negotiating, or begging ... it came down to I will leave this relationship of the behavior persists
And later that happened ... but over his cheating and sex addiction not video games. He COULD keep his hands off the computer but COULDNT keep them off other women!

Of course kids are different. You can't kick them out until they're 18 or 21 and even then many parents are reluctant to take that step.

You propose a good spread for gaining insight ... but I still say - except with little kids - it is a mistake to think you can change the OTHER. ONLY you can change your reactions & perspective.

The wording of #5 seems problematic to me:
How should I make the other feel? (to see what matters to them)
These are 2 very different ideas! The first statement is totally manipulative (not saying manipulation is always WRONG ... sometimes its necessary!) the second statement is exploratory.
I like the "Mirror Spread" from Power Tarot book (pp 200-201) for interpersonal conflicts. I personally would use some adaptation of that spread for the issue you mention.

Often the idea of "changing another's behavior" springs from some level of addiction which means the person in question is acting so unconsciously they CANT change their behavior no matter HOW tactfully you talk or negotiate ... so you are left with ... ball in your court




I agree. The spread has nice elements but also I would tweak the focus in this direction.

Hope this helps and as always, your mileage may vary

 

[Saskia]

I've just had a go at this spread and will let post on the forums. Little trouble as I'm reading between them and me - as in trying to think my perspective, so I may have mixed up a little, but over all love the spread.
Can it be changed to "how to change your own behaviour " ?

Hi Cozmo, of course you can change it the way it speaks to you the best This does focus on what actions you can take to prompt the other to change.

 

[cozmo0_4]

Hi Cozmo, of course you can change it the way it speaks to you the best This does focus on what actions you can take to prompt the other to change.

I love it. I've played with this a few times and find it really insightful.