How to deal with energy vampires?

[catlin]

Guess some of you will know the kind of ppl who run to you to complain about the problems they have, they consume hours of your time to tell you how bad the world is, etc. in short, when they have left you, you feel drained and you ask yourself what did you get from this visit apart that they have chewed on your mind?

How do you keep them off? Do you tell them bluntly that you are fed up with their self-made problems and that you have also your business to mind to or do you support patiently their endless chatter?

 

[Diana]

Quote:catlin (30 Jan, 2002 23:12):
.How do you keep them off? Do you tell them bluntly that you are fed up with their self-made problems and that you have also your business to mind to or do you support patiently their endless chatter?

Some people can get through any kind of defence barriers one builds up, and can be very destructive to those around them. If the person is really too energy draining, my advice would be definitely, defifinitely, not to support their endless chatter patiently. It's hypocritical and even worse, one is not being honest with oneself.

Tell them bluntly or not bluntly. That is the question. I suppose it depends if one wants to continue a relationship with the person or not. Perhaps to start off not bluntly, but if that doesn't make any difference, bluntly??

I have had to cut myself off completely from two people who I actually liked rather a lot, but who were unable to change their negative attitudes, and who were awful for my mental health. Sometimes I miss them for the good qualities they had, but I wouldn't ever take up my friendship again with them. Too risky.

Good luck!

 

[Jeanette]

Get away from these people, you can be kind, but be firm! They will eventually drag you down. I used to have a neighbor, she was much older than I was. She didn't drive, and since I was home with my baby we became friendly and I offered to take her along shopping and such. Well, she would complain so much about her husband that I started seeing her complaints as my own about my husband! I would come home and be aggravated with him for things he hadn't even done. I realized what was happening and stopped seeing her, and eventually just cut it off completely. These kind of people are usually bitter about something, and you know "misery loves company" so they want you to be miserable and commiserate with them. GET AWAY and STAY AWAY but try to be nice about it if you can. These people are usually hurting enough.

 

[jade]

clarity, truth and honesty.

in light,
jade

 

[truthsayer]

my experience w/ psychic vampires is that most don't have a clue what they are doing to other ppl. they are generally so wrapped up in their own world of misery and self-pity that it's hard to for them to recognize that other ppl have a life and don't have time. first thing i'd suggest is learn how to read the symptoms that someone drains energy from others. the biggest warning is a lack of interest in anything you have to say and constant refocusing on whatever their problem is. the vicious cycle they are in is usually self imposed b/c they refuse to change something about themself or their life. after knowing someone and you can detect no attempts at change or improvement then back off.

you can shield yourself emotionally if you know how. imagine a psychic shield between you and the other person. don't feed the person by continuing to add to the conversation. if they ask if you are listening just say you don't want to be rude but you are very busy and leave it at that. if you don't feed the energy drain then they won't have a reason to hang around and will eventually leave. learn some good conversation enders. there are some great books on how to take control of pointless conversations. i can't think of the name of the book right now but i will find out and let you know. deborah tannen has done some books on communication skills but this isn't the ones i'm thinking out. there is also one out on how to handle difficult ppl which has some great insight.

the main thing is keep yourself focused and your emotions totally closed to the person. a good offense is always better than being on the defensive. sorry you are having this problem. i've definitely walked a few thousand miles in your shoes. :'(

 

[catlin]

Hi friends,

Thanks for your feed-back. I signalled both enery vampires that I am pretty busy with my stuff and so far none of them has reappeared. Hope this will last.

 

[Scorpion]

Hi, Catlin!

My experiences are pretty much the same as Truthsayer's. I agree entirely that these people rarely know what they're doing. My view is that they have what I can only describe as an emotional vortex which will suck you in unless you are wary. They have "hooks" to get your attention - usually surfaces as an attempt for the sympathy vote: "look at me, isn't my life awful" and of course you fall for it. Who wouldn't? And yes, they never listen to you or show any real interest in your life. I have come to the conclusion that they home in on what they perceive as another's happiness and, having no means of building it up in themselves, have some sort of belief that they can syphon off some of your positive energy - not realising that it will only be fleeting and then they will feel the need for more: hence the "vampire effect". Strangely, they often come across as well-meaning and would do anything for anybody.

Ten years ago I shared an office with a particularly difficult example of the breed (proudly announced she was a certified schizophrenic to boot!). Now I can spot them before they enter the building! My main tactic is to avoid: when I had to spend a couple of weeks near our resident "poor me", I got to the point where I wouldn't even exchange basic pleasantries with her (eg - good w/e?). If forced, I would be quite sarky. A classic example of the not being interested in anyone else's life except to prove theirs is worse, a friend dropped by to fill me in on her husband's condition (he had been particularly ill) but we were interrupted by tales of how her "other half" (with whom she'd finished "forever" a couple of days before in front of me - not for the first time, apparently) was recovering from some very minor surgery! We were having a private conversation, for Pete's sake!

My refusal to get involved sent her bowling down to another colleague's desk where she would park her backside and pin her listener in place. Eventually, this colleague stopped giving sympathy and advice which was never acted on and just half-listened, saying what she knew was required of her. I gather the contact has tailed off to a large extent. Maybe you could take that line?

Your energy is too valuable to waste on emotional vampires. You need it and they need to learn to create their own. One good thing I've noticed, they tend to get a new "best friend" every six months or so, once they're drained the last one.

 

[melikka]

the only reason that you feel drained is because you take it on and the reason for that is that these people have something to show you (about yourself), even though this might seem unlikely to you. the only way we can learn anything about ourselves is by looking in the mirror (the world around us). You cannot see yourself but the people around you can see you. the only way of seeing youself is by looking in the mirror. start seeing the people around you as your mirror and you will come to know alot about yourself. remember the only reason we can get annoyed with anyone is because we recognize the way they're behaving in ourselves. (it takes one to know one). there are many excercises that you could do to block these energies, but why not get to the cause of it, yourself. after all the reason why we are here is to learn about ourselves. (this is only a point of view from my reality don't forget, but I hope it can give you a look at things from a different perspective.)

 

[Diana]

Quote:melikka (01 Feb, 2002 22:55):
the only reason that you feel drained is because you take it on and the reason for that is that these people have something to show you (about yourself), even though this might seem unlikely to you.
Melikka : What you're saying is very wise, but I think when it comes to Energy Vampires, this is not the case. The people that Catlin are describing are not people who are showing you anything about yourself. They are narcissic people who only show a mirror up to themselves, and who use people around them for their own selfish motives.

But I do agree with you that one can learn a lot from the mirror effect we have from people.

 

[truthsayer]

Quote:LouiQ (01 Feb, 2002 08:20):
Hi, Catlin!

My experiences are pretty much the same as Truthsayer's. I agree entirely that these people rarely know what they're doing. My view is that they have what I can only describe as an emotional vortex which will suck you in unless you are wary. They have "hooks" to get your attention - usually surfaces as an attempt for the sympathy vote: "look at me, isn't my life awful" and of course you fall for it. Who wouldn't? And yes, they never listen to you or show any real interest in your life. I have come to the conclusion that they home in on what they perceive as another's happiness and, having no means of building it up in themselves, have some sort of belief that they can syphon off some of your positive energy - not realising that it will only be fleeting and then they will feel the need for more: hence the "vampire effect". Strangely, they often come across as well-meaning and would do anything for anybody.


louiQ,
you and i could really talk! you are one of the few ppl i've ever shared this w/ that had similar experiences and knew how to handle it. i used to work as a counselor. i must have a homing beam for energy vampires b/c i could barely get my work doen w/o someone would arrive in a crisis. i got so exhausted down to my spirit that i became physically ill and had to quit my job. it wasn't just the clients. i think the staff of so-called professionals were sicker than the clients!!!!!

*******truth throws her hands up into the air in exasperation!!!!!!!!!!********* i've been basically taking care of myself and recovering from that experience the past 3 years. i can handle an energy vampire here and there but i was one woman trying to hold back a tidal surge!! when i return to the job market i will be applying the things i have learned from that experience.

another thing to keep in mind is whether you are an introvert or extrovert. extroverts are energized by being involved w/ others. introverts are drained by ppl encounters. they regain energy by downtime alone. i am definitely an introvert and have learned to respect that i have limited energy to put out w/o an equal amount of time alone. if you are an extrovert and generally energized by others yet are still drained by these ppl,you definitely are in the presence of an energy vampire.

thanks for bringing this up, catlin! wonderful therapeutic chat!