Any help appreciated...

[Musicman]

This is very hard for me to talk about and explain, but i will try to: I came from a strict Catholic up-bringing and in my late teens I rebeled and started thinking for myself and at a low time in my life I got mixed up with some fundamentalist christians which screwed up my mind big-time. I ended up throwing all my favorite rock albums away, started believing all their shit and worse of all they started to try and convince me I was Satan's follower for being a musician. Anyway to cut a long story short, I came across books by Jung and Joseph Campbell that got me thinking and started me onto my true spritiual journey, where now I follow more eastern view points and the occult such as astrology and tarot. I finally feel at home and though its been over 10 years since i left that 'fundy' group I still occasionally suffer from "residue thoughts' whenever I try to go deeper into my alternative lifestyle. for example the more I feel at home with my life and spirituality the more my "conditioned thought responses" flood my mind and bring up a barrier which takes me days to get over, though out of it I grow stronger. What I would like to ask is if there are any things or whatever I can do or read that will help strengthen me in these periods of "self doubt" and also help clear my mind from these past thoughts. I am now a happy, pro musician, well read on all things spirital and the world, in touch with my spiritual and inner self, but these thoughts are like 'thorns in my side' at times...I hope you undertsand what Im trying to say. thank you for listening to me.

 

[Malachite]

what a lot of people don't understand is that happiness (or satisfaction) is a state of mind. you find it in music, in people, in meditation....you just have to believe in it, or you can't see it...

Its clear from your post that you know how to see it...!

suerte,

 

[blue]

Musicman;

Reading your post was like reading my biography! Right down to the fundie friends bitching about being a professional musician.

I remember at one time in my life burning a beautiful collection of Tarot card because I had become convinced that they were evil. Thank heavens I got over that s**t!

I know what your going through. One of the toughest times in my life was turning my back on what I had been taught from childhood was the truth. It's one of the scariest things you can do. You're old programing keeps telling you that you're a trader to the truth and you deserve to be punished.

Horse Hockey!

If God enters into the mix at all (and I'm useing "God" in it broadest sense) the real questions becomes this; How is it possible to turn one's back on God when one is seeking the truth of life? Can you really imagine condemnation awaiting those who search for the true face of God, those who attempt to express what they were put on this earth to do?

What you're going through has sometimes been expressed as the "dark night of the soul." The good new is, it truly is darkest before dawn.

I know from experience that if you proceed on your quest you will gain insight that puts your present doubts into perspective. Eventually, your fears (for that's what they are) will be stilled by a broader understanding of the ways of the universe. You'll see. In the mean time ask yourself this question when in doubt; "are the things I feel and my reactions the result of fear or the fruits of love?" If you or those around you are operating out of fear, I seriously doubt if "God" is being served. If your responses spring from love it's a pretty safe bet that you're on the right track. Take heart.

 

[deso]

Hey Musicman!
I, too, can relate to your story. I was raised by Catholic parents that were very fundamental in their beliefs. I used to stay awake nights, petrified that Satan was there, lurking in the shadows, trying to steal my soul. We didn't do much of anything - cause anything that made you laugh, or gave you pleasure, was of the devil........
In my early twenties, I was liberated from the brainwashing by my future-husband.
Anyway, funny thing is. ........... like you, it got me started on a big huge search for "Truth". My path has been extremely eclectic because I could never fully accept any one path (I think because I was scared to be duped again). Finally, twenty years later, I've come home ........... and oddly enough, it's with a group of gnostic/metaphysical Christians. We believe in reincarnation, meditation, inner divine guidance and power ...... and that we are ALL sons of God/dess. We believe the Bible was messed with and much truth removed. We DO NOT believe in Satan, or a heaven and hell. For me, it has been an incredible turning point - a return to the circle from whence I came - healed and ready to accept my own divine inheritance.
Be at peace, and KNOW!

 

[Ceti]

Musicman,
There are some excellent books out there for changing unwanted tapes in the head. One of my favorites is "Urban Shaman: A Handbook for Personal and Planetary Transformation Based on the Hawaiian Way of the Adventurer" by Serge Kahili King (Simon & Schuster, 1990). Of course, you'll need to find something that doesn't push the old buttons, but if you affirm that the necessary teachers are entering your life, that usually speeds them on their way.

I've found it helpful to "rewrite" inner shadows with the truth that I'm creating. With self-doubts, I chase them away with affirmations, simple phrases that work for me. With concepts that I don't want to battle ad nauseum, I may just say, "go in peace", this declares that I'm unwilling to spend my life arguing about a choice that I've made. This can work with those big ideas that so many people put energy into, like Satan. Don't underestimate the method of just turning away from a thought or a string of thoughts -- it can be quite effective.

Another very effective technique can be to use meditation to meet the part of you that is clinging to this and have a heart-to-heart talk. It's a lot like healing "younger self" but in this case, you are healing the person you were when you were involved in fundamentalism. What's good about this method is that the healing goes very deep. It is important to surround yourself with love in this meditation -- love is the healer.

Ceti

 

[Musicman]

Thank you all for your helpful replies. I am grateful for all your suggestions. Just finding out that there were others who have experienced or gone through the same thing as I had was a big help in itself. Thank you all. I have taken note of all your suggestions...
Blessed be

 

[tarotbear]

You mean on the back of your union musicians' card there isn't a spot where you had to put drop of your blood on the devil's picture?

Just kidding!

Do 'fundies' really believe the stuff they tell you they do?

 

[New River]

Musicman, tough issues and i'm sorry that so many of us have had to go thru them.

i've been there too. hunting and pecking around trying to find out what my own truth is.

i loved hearing you say that even tho these recurring thoughts are hard for you to work thru at least you are better for learning having gotten thru them.

it is indeed known as the dark night of the soul. and it can happen more than once, for sure.

i am going to recommend a book: The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. Musicians are Artists, you know. this book helped me to get beyond the fundie rhetoric and find my own soul's path. it's great to have around for those times when doubt and frustration hit. it helped me find the power to change my life. at least it was a place to start.

good luck, dear one.

love, light and hope, New River

 

[dreaming_bear]

you have been hurt and now carry around pain. you let them hurt you because you thought you were being helped. Now you must forgive those that hurt you and let them go. The pain that they bring in created from the strength that you have, they thrive on that strength and will not release you, you will have to realease them. Cut the silver cord that binds you to them by forgiveing them for what you allowed them to do. For 21 days forgive them all one at atime and let them go. And as each one goes, bring in a beautiful feeling,scene, or sound to fill the void or vacuum left by the pain that leaves, or they will return. Because there can be no empty spaces or it brings confusion to your life just like pain does... Sweet dreams and blessing.......
the Dreaming Bear

 

[fairyhedgehog]

There is a forum for people who have left or are leaving fundamentalist religions at

http://www.aimoo.com/forum/

That might be of interest to you?

After nearly 10 years I've finally stopped worrying 'what if they are right' (the fundamentalists, I mean.) It takes a long time, doesn' it?

All the very best to you,

FH