haunting anxiety

[cayacia]

Hey guys. I didn't really know where to post about this one but I figured since I post in here the most it would have to do. I hope no one minds a long story but I need to get this out there.

In case some of you havn't noticed, I have a friend named Josh that has probably been one of the most influential people in my life. He was also the one who gave me an outlet into the spiritual journey I've been going on the last four or so months.

Anyway, I've actually known Josh for well over a year now because we had English together last year. I've always felt this closeness to him for no reason and before I got to know him really well this last summer I went thorugh a very painful period of trying to figure out why it was so important for me to pursue someone I didn't even know very well. (I had a crush on him. I hate that word, but that's what you call it, I guess) You can't understand what it is to try and give up on getting to know someone that won't let you get close to them. Expecially when you don't know why it's so damn important. You see, other than a couple of times, I couldn't get together with him outside of school to get to know him. He was distant.

Anyway, I got to know him better this summer because after a month and a half of not thinking of him at all, I had a dream about him. It was really confusing because I thought at that point I was over him and that I could move on. I knew someone was trying to tell me something, so I gave him a call and things went on from there. We hit it off immediately and became very close (but only as friends ) and eventually I mentioned my interest in the Tarot. He gave me one of his old decks and then I was offically his protoge'.

After school started I had already fallen for him again only this time it felt a lot more real. I talked with a lot of my friends and they all suported me to tell him how I felt. Quite nervously I managed to tell him and we had a talk about it. Of course, he already knew because he's quite perceptive. However, he told me that because of past relationships he wasn't ready for another one and he told me to give it a few months. Best of all, he told me he would help me through it (because he obviously knew the pain of not getting what you want in these cases) I managed to ask him how he felt about me and he told me that he felt like i was 'one of his pack' as in he'd known me in a former life, and that that should mean something to me. It strange that I've been thinking about that since and I'd had that feeling before but had always brushed it off as nonsense.

Anyway, (again) it's been quite some times since then. We're closer than ever, however he is a very hands-off teacher and I don't know if that's really what he is suposed to be for me. Or if that's what I want from him exclusively (scratch that, I know I want him as something more). I do readings regularly to see a further perspective of what is going on between us because I get very depressed at times when I don't understand what is going on. And when I worry that he is sick of me or annoyed by me (of course worry and reason battle this one out endlessly). And they're usually quite positive! I just always have that anxiety.

So...do I really have a question here? I know I had one when I planned to post this. And I guaruntee I've left something out. I guess I would just like some insight. Oh, now I remember. When I'm not around him I think about him quite a lot. It becomes frustrating at times and I think it's partially what triggers a bout of depression. It's also when I start having doubts about what we are and if we could ever be anything more. Does anyone have a suggestion that could control it? I'm sure a lot of things I've tried (like doing something that won't remind me of him....etc.)

Thanks for letting me chew your ears off!

 

[Kiama]

This sounds very familiar! I went through all this about twoyears ago with a guy called Matthew. It really was a mess. And to top it all off, he fancied me, I fancied him, but we never actually got together! Its frustrating, I know... All this for me lasted about 2 years, and even now, when I've been in a steady relationship with my boyfriend for nearly ten months, I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had got together with Matthew... But I'll never know.

My advice to you, and you don't have to take it, cuz it may be crap, is...

Not onlt let him teach you, but teac him aswell! I'm sure there is alot of stuff you could help him with. Teach each other! That's a great basis for a relationship, and you'll find that teaching someone else helps you learn it even better! Why not sit down with him and discuss each Tarot card together, giving your opinions of it, what you think it means, whether or not you like it, etc.. You'd have alot of fun too! Explore other things aswell, expand your horizons together. Research new things tht you guys haven't looked at before, then discuss them, nd research some more. My guess is that you both hve so much to learn from each other and give to each other.

My second piece of advice is try not to get depressed about his. I know this is difficult, but in the end, the 'chasing' part of a relationship should be quite fun! Just be the best you can, and show this guy how wonderful you really are. He probably already knows, but is hesitant. Like you said, he wants some time-out.

As for him being distant, I have always found that distant and closed-up people have a small chink in their armour somewhere, just waiting for a nice person to come along and open up a bit further... Draw them out of their shell, and show them how nice it is to be vulnerable.

Anyway, I may have rambled on pointlessly for too long. But I know what you are going through. 17 is a difficult age I think. I mean, here in England, 17 is the 'on the brink' age. We can do most things, but not the important things like vote, or the things we do illegally now, like drink alcohol.... We are made to make such tough decisions about the rest of our lives (University, relationships, sex, etc..) but are not given credit for having responsibility, and are watched with eagle eyes by our over-protective parents. For some, hormones are still rampant, and we haven't quite come to terms with our developing bodies yet. Its like a war zone inside our minds!

But the best bit of all this, is when you merge from this transitional stage, like a gorgeous butterfly from an ugly cocoon. And you'll look back on all this and smile.

Kiama

 

[fairyhedgehog]

hi cayacia,

I really feel for you, this such a hard thing to be living with. I don't have any advice to offer though, so I'm glad kiama stepped in

Quote: 17 is a difficult age I think. I mean, here in England, 17 is the 'on the brink' age. We can do mot things, but not th importantthings like vote, or the things we do illegally now, like drink alcohol.... We are made to make such tough decisions about the rest of our lives (University, relationships, sex, etc..) but are not given credit for having responsibility and are watched with eagle eyes by our over-protective parents. For some, hormones are still rampant, and we haven't quite come to terms with our developing bodies yet. Its like a war zone inside out minds!

But the best bit of all this, is when you merge from this transitional stage, like a gorgeous butterfly from an ugly cocoon. And you'll look back on all this and smile.



This is spot on, Kiama. I'd like to copy this for future use. Would you mind, and if I use this how would you like to be credited with it?

All the best,

FH

 

[truthsayer]

i think desiring a relationship(whether it be friendship or otherwise) w/ someone who has a thick armor is universal--no matter what your age. i can really relate to everything you said, cayacia. it brings so many things to mind.

there was the guy i dated for 3 years who admitted he could never love me but i relentlessly pursued him b/c i couldn't believe what he said. i eventually had to end the relationship cold turkey b/c it was devasting my self confidence and affecting my whole life. even tho i've been in a successful relationship 13 years & happily married, i still find myself thinking about him and wondering why do i still have those obsessive longings to talk to him again. i think we had some kind of past life connection. it's the only thing that makes sense to me. i think your description of a haunting anxiety is so appropo.

when i was new in town 15 years ago, i didn't have anyone to talk to and was maddeningly lonely. i met a woman who had similar interests to mine in art, lit, etc. i desperately wanted and needed a friend so i tried to make friends w/ her. she held me at arm's length. this puzzled me but i continued to invite her to things and call her occasionally. for some reason i couldn't let it drop. slowly she warmed up to me over the course of 2 years. then i found out why she held back--she was gay and didn't want me to know b/c i'm straight. she was afraid i'd reject her. she'd also had some very abusive relationships and was feeling very gun shy. it didn't matter to me that she was gay as i am secure in my sexuality and really wanted her as a friend. after 8 years she got really sick and began w/drawing from all her friendships. i didn't want to believe she'd reject me, too but she did. i was having serious medical probs myself at the time and i think i became too emotionally needy for her during a time she was emotionally drained by her own probs. during those years i made the mistake of having few social contacts other than her and my husband. this made the end of the friendship more devatating. i feel certain we were linked by a past life also.

end pt. 1

 

[truthsayer]

so my advice is no matter how compelling this guy is to you, please don't socially isolate yourself to him. do keep busy w/ activities w/ other ppl. do try to get your mind off of him. believe me, i know too well how a relationship can be like a drug. every nice thing the other person does reinforces the compulsion. every mean or neutral thing hurts like hades. it's tempting to allow yourself to become overly vulnerable to such a person and give him/her too much sensitive info. keep in mind there is a reason this person is w/drawn. remember this isn't about you. if you experience rejection, then somehow you've participated unwittingly in this person's inner drama that allows him to justify hurting ppl to shut them out. you deserve far better treatment than that. you haven't done anything wrong. you've probably exposed a chink in this person's armor that he's unwilling or unable to allow to become vulnerable. just back off and count to 100...remember the issue at hand is about him--you're just happen to be there.

since those experiences, i tend to shy away from ppl who wear emotional armor. it's just too painful to go there again. maybe i've started wearing some myself. i know i'm unwilling to be vulnerable to someone as quickly as i once did. i realize that some ppl just aren's safe no matter how s/he fascinates me. to have a long lasting intimate friendship w/ someone is a treasure beyond words but it takes 2 ppl willing to share for it to work.

my hubby and i aren't a match made in heaven but we've worked hard to make it work. the 1st 5 or more years of our relationship he wore emotional armor but i sensed he did this b/c he was afraid of losing me to another man. his first wife left him for another man but he admitted the story to me and i wasn't left guessing. i knew he loved me but was afraid to trust. so i knew the relationship was viable and w/ time and effort we had a chance to make it. he never kept deep dark secrets about his past from me so i could relax even tho i knew he feared vulnerability. today he's able to be vulnerable w/ me to a vaster degree. i know he'll never be able to completely let down the armor but that's okay. i know he trusts me and i accept him for who he is--warts and all.

 

[tarotbear]

oooops! Thought this was a thread about ghosts.....

Having been in your situation too many times in the past, I have developed a knack to just come out and ask right at the beginning and get it out in the open. This is not to say that I don't choose my words carefully, but hoping and praying that 'something' will happen when there is nothing there TO happen will only drive you mad in the long run. One man I was dating steadily was kind and supportive. When my landlord asked me to move, he helped me many weekends moving my stuff--but never helped me move it to his house, which is where I was expecting to be. When I finally asked why, considering we had a 'decent' relationship going, he said he wasn't ready to commit. Our relationship and friendship ended soon after that. One of the reasons we started dating is that he was looking for a steady relationship.

 

[Kiama]

Quote:fairyhedgehog (02 Jan, 2002 23:30):
This is spot on, Kiama. I'd like to copy this for future use. Would you mind, and if I use this how would you like to be credited with it?

All the best,

FH

Sure you can use it! I'm gonna go back and correct my erratic typos first though. After that, just put my name below it as 'Kiama'. Or if you want something more profesional (I see you're a counsellor, so I guessed you might be using it in tie with that) you can put 'Kim Huggens'. Include my age if you want to give it a bit of authority! Hee hee...

Kiama

 

[cayacia]

thanks a lot guys. your stories and suggestions are helpful. I'm feeling better today ^_^

 

[fairyhedgehog]

Hi cayacia,

I'm glad to hear you're feeling a bit better today. I hope it's the beginning of an upward path for you

Kiama - Thanks I have no clear idea what I'll use this for at present but if it ends up on my website, I could maybe attribute it as [copyright sign] Kiama (or Kim Huggens, it's up to you) 2002. I'm not sure how you give the provenance of stuff that has appeared on the web -it's not exactly 'unpublished work' so I'm not sure what the form is. I just don't want to plagiarise your stuff

All the best

And Happy New Year to everyone,

FH

 

[cayacia]

hey guys. I feel awful again. This time it's somewhat of a calling that I don't know how to deal with it. Yesterday Josh gave me a reading because I've been feeling awful still and it's been an ongoing thing since last year. I haven't been myself (expecially lately) and I've been really irritable and been yelling at people for no reason. Anyway, he came up with "trying too hard" and "back off" a lot in the reading but he was saying in the context of searching for my center in spirituality; as though I have been searching too hard and that if I back off it will come to me natrually.

However, knowing how much I needed to know what to do with him I tried in my very weak unexperience way to concentrate on that subject and the same replies came up. I have a strong feeling that I am trying to hard on both accounts. Searching for my guides etc. I can deal with, but backing off with Josh is something I don't know if I am capeable of. I really do fear that I'm going to loose him. Especially because he is a junior and i'm a seinor and when i graduate i'm afraid I won't see much of him for a year if we're "just friends", even though way back when I told him how I felt about him he reassured me that we were going to the same college.

So I don't know what to do. I'm so scared that if I back off -or as my friend Missy suggested: play hard to get for a while-that we'll grow apart or even worse, he's been growing as far as other relationships go and I'm afraid one of those other girls that are around him sometimes will "steal" him away. (It's a dumb, teenage worry, I know. But I really can't help them).

Well, thanks for letting me go on a tangent again. I really probably should be posting this stuff on a teen site (bleh) but I feel a lot more at home here ^_^. Besides, he has so much to do with me spiritually, the people in the "teen" forums don't really understand the whole picture.

With great love,